reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[By the time Rean gets back Crow has already gotten into trouble. He absolutely tried to wander off, because frankly he has never liked the RMP and doesn't want to be anywhere near them. Of course they tried to ask him to not do that but he ignored them so Dominique put a hand on his shoulder and found out adrenaline does a lot for a guy. Beaten up and weak or not he threw the poor girl and started a scuffle that's ended in a couple of RMP officers with bruises and Crow sitting against the wall with his hands cuffed behind his back, trying not to scream. Anymore, anyway. He did a lot of screaming when they were trying to wrangle him.

He just wants to be alone. He wants to disappear somewhere and not be touched or looked at ever again. The cuffs feel like they're cutting (he's not sure if it's psychological or if his nerves are just permanently on overdrive now) and the officers' gazes feel like they're burning a hole through him. To avoid an even more embarrassing fit of hysterics he's outwardly disconnecting. Inside he's climbing the walls, but outside the only clue is the uneven, rough quality of his breath. His expression is blank and he's not moving. Just staring at the opposite wall and fantasizing about shoving the police, the men who did this, and himself into a room and setting it on fire.]

[He's told what happened as he is shown to where Crow is and he just sighs, holding his hand out for the keys and being given them before he approaches Crow again.]

Hey. Want to lean forward so I can get you out of those?

[Crow's concentrating on being in the same general sphere as calm, so while he does lean forward he doesn't say anything about it. He doesn't look at Rean, either.

He's so mad. At everyone else but also at himself. He's not even sure how long it's been but it feels like he's a different person than he was before, and it's not a person he likes. He doesn't like being so emotional. He doesn't like feeling like he's out of his own control -- he can't make himself stop freaking out for even a minute and that's exhausting. He'd like to stop being angry and scared and wound up but he just can't, and getting frustrated is only making it worse.]

[Rean's focusing on just... Not freaking out himself. Honestly he has Crow, alive, and maybe really badly harmed, but alive, so the rest can be worked out somehow. He unlocks the cuffs and tosses them down, stepping back to give Crow space.]

So I have good news and maybe good news. The press won't report on this. And Captain Claire's agreed not to permit anyone else but herself to review the evidence. If she can find a way to indict these guys without dragging you into it she will, and she'll release the footage back to you when she's done.

She's ready to let us go home. But I'd like you to see a doctor, those wounds didn't look great.

It's fine.

[He really really does not want Claire to watch those tapes. BUT he has enough sanity to be able to recognise that only her seeing them is much preferable to lots of people seeing them, and if he doesn't agree to that compromise he won't get his way at all. It'll look suspicious. As if he already isn't a suspicious fucker who's given her a lot of cause to not be generous.

So he'll just skip over that part and worry about the doctor thing. He sits and rubs his wrists for a bit, gingerly -- weird hallucinated extra pain aside they were already horribly bruised and he kind of made it worse being difficult just now. But once he's breathed a little he gets up, pushing his hair out of his face and trying to look put together. He's on the verge of both physical and emotional collapse but showing it won't help him argue this point.]

It's all just superficial. Nothing I can't sleep off.

[Rean's eyes narrow. Yeah. Look he can smell bullshit a mile away thanks to the combined efforts of Crow and Sara so.]

Yeah, no. You're seeing a doctor. I'll call ahead and have Instructor Beatrix meet us.

No.

[Despite himself he says it too forcefully. Too emotionally. He doesn't, in theory, mind having his wounds treated, but in practice he's pretty sure he'll lose it.]

I'm serious. It's all been cleaned and monitored and none of it is serious. I'm just tired.

[That's not even really a lie. They'd made a point not to give any life-threatening injuries, or leave anything to get infected. There's no major internal injuries. No bones that need setting or gashes that need stitching or septic stab wounds. He's just, y'know, covered in bruises and small cuts and burns from head to toe and all. Sure he's got some minor fractures, and he hasn't eaten enough in six weeks, and he probably got a concussion a couple of times that haven't totally healed, and just about everything is sprained from all the convulsing and he has no idea what damage those drugs caused and he needs to get tested for STIs but-- he's fine. It can all be taken care of with a first aid kit and a nap.

He'd rather take the risk of not having it looked at than face the absolute certainty that being examined is going to send him off the panic deep end.]

Great, then I'm sure it won't take the Instructor long to treat you.

[Sorry but this is non-negotiable, Rean's already decided. He'll compromise on what Crow needs for his sanity, hushing this up, giving the RMP unreasonable demands, but he's not giving an inch if it comes to Crow's health, so if Crow wants to fight him that's fine.]

Anyway, I want to get out of this place, how about you?

...Fine.

[Maybe he'll just try to book it once they're away from the police? Yes. Good plan. Rean knows him pretty well though so he can probably see the gears turning, or at the very least that Crow is very very much not actually chilling out at all.]

[He can see as plain as day that Crow isn't fine, and also still has his jacket, but he's leading the way up to the exit. They're getting a police escort back to Trista for courtesy anyway, and Rean takes the time to talk quietly with the class and see that Instructor Beatrix will be back at the dorms waiting.

And then he sits with Crow while Dominique explains to Crow what Rean already knows. Crow is free to roam around Trista but if he leaves without a member of the class he'll be arrested. Other than that his status is sort of up the air right now. Millium will be the one overseeing keeping an eye on him, but it seems like for now he should just get some rest.]

[Crow ignores the rest of the class when they're around. Mostly. It's not like he's suddenly stopped caring about everyone he just... can't right now. He doesn't have the energy to joke around and he's forgotten how to have a normal conversation. So he finds the place to sit that gives him the most physical space and just zones out. He does respond when addressed, but it's quiet and dull and he won't look at anyone.

He spaced out through most of Dominique's explanation too. Honestly it's a way better deal than he should be getting. It's something close to freedom. But he feels weird about it -- before, he would have chafed at the idea of being under guard. He still does, in that it makes him feel watched and controlled and that makes him feel scared and angry. But part of him is actually grateful for it -- it means he doesn't have to go anywhere or be around anyone he doesn't know and trust. If there's anywhere that's safe, it's with his friends. He knows that, even if he's not ready to actually interact with them.

He also kind of feels guilty for having attacked her earlier but y'know. She's a cop, she can handle it. She shouldn't have touched him, anyway. He's still not going to directly acknowledge her though, besides a stiff nod when he's asked if he understands and agrees.

It's when she's gone he comes back to himself. Because he knows Instructor Beatrix is going to be there and he's trying to think of how to avoid seeing her. Or, if he has to, how to avoid doing anything that's going to cause him further trouble. After awhile he speaks up, quietly, only to Rean.]

...You're going to need restraints.

[Rean's been watching Crow worriedly. He's not going to try to pretend he isn't worried, that just isn't who he is. So when Crow addresses him he's already focused on Crow and responds instantly and with complete confusion.]

What?

If you want me to see a doctor, you're going to need restraints.

[He's still not looking at Rean but he does sound dead serious. Not threatening -- just serious, in a quiet way. He can feel fear rising in his chest the closer to home they get, and he's fighting the totally insane urge to jump out the train window and just die rather than let anyone touch him or look at him like that. He's 100% sure all coherent thought is going to leave him the moment it starts.

Thanks, dudes whose names he still doesn't know, for being so concerned with his health.]

Or sedatives, I guess. Either way.

[Great. Great great great. Back to handcuffs. He takes a deep breath.]

Okay.

[He'll just talk to Dominique and ask for a pair and like. Cool. Fine.]

Anything else?

[God Rean take him to a hospital with proper bed restraints that don't hurt!! Crow is totally anticipating handcuffs though. He just doesn't like it. He doesn't like any of it.

Just the anticipation has him shaking like a leaf, but rather than look for comfort he just shrugs, staring out the window and looking totally miserable. He doesn't know how much Rean knows about what went on in there but he doesn't really want to tell him. He'll have to tell Beatrix though. If he wants as few doctors visits as possible he's just going to have to knock out as much as he can in the first go, and that's going to require being honest. Which sucks. Honesty sucks.]

...Come with me, I guess.

[So he doesn't have to say anything twice.]

But nobody else.

[Don't worry Crow, as soon as Rean explains restraints are needed Beatrix will drag you somewhere. She knows better than to do handcuffs. Rean will still have a handy pair of cuffs though, I guess.]

Of course.

[He's relieved Crow wants him there, honestly. He wants to be with Crow, whatever happens. Honestly he didn't really intend to let Crow out of his sight anyway. The last time he did that Crow got kidnapped and the time before Crow vanished willingly. He's going to be attached at the hip to Crow from now on.]

I wasn't really planning to leave you alone anyway.

[That's such a Rean thing to say. Crow actually laughs -- a tiny, sad laugh that's perilously close to tears, but a laugh nonetheless.

He lifts his hand, hesitates, puts it back down. Then he takes a deep, steadying breath, picks it up again, and reaches over without looking to pat Rean on the head.]

What a brat.

[His eyes widen a little and he looks like he miiight cry but he's also smiling. Not the Crow necessarily catches it except in his voice.]

Yeah, well, with the way you attract trouble I'm not about to take my eyes off you.

Stubborn...

[Rean really is. And Crow is, actually, glad he came for him, when he can think through the fear and anger. He lets his hand stay there, absently running his fingers through Rean's hair as he watches the familiar scenery. It's too intimate a gesture for the friendship they're supposed to have. Too fond. But there's something calming about it, so it doesn't occur to him to stop.]

Like you aren't?

[He isn't going to draw Crow's attention to the fact that he's, uh, no longer just patting his head but actually petting his hair now. It's not like he dislikes it, anyway, and if it's something Crow is happy doing then Rean's happy too. It's just kind of starting to make him blush. Not even because he's thinking anything specific or lewd, just because it feels nice and the attention is nice and it's?? It's nice.]

Mm. I am. Maybe too much.

[If he hadn't been so stubborn about getting revenge, would this have happened? If he hadn't been stubborn in refusing to take it all back, would they have hurt him less? Maybe if he'd just accepted that things wouldn't change, he wouldn't have become the kind of person that so many people hate. If he'd been a good person he wouldn't be in so much pain right now. It's like he told Rean that time on the Pantagruel. His story is far from unique. His grievances weren't really more important than those of the people he trampled along the way. And after all that, after all this, he didn't accomplish anything anyway. He can't help suspecting that he'd been used all along.

So it was pointless stubbornness. And now he's paying for it. He doesn't regret what he did but he kind of regrets being born.]

[It's a little worrying that Crow is saying too much. It's worrying that Crow is in the state he's in at all, of course.]

You know... We may not always see eye to eye, but your stubbornness is something I can admire, even when I'm most frustrated by it.

[His hand stops, still in Rean's hair. That ought to be nice to hear. In the sane part of his brain maybe it is. But the not-so-sane part of him feels like he's just been stabbed in the gut.

He knows, he knows that was an encouragement. But he's just so angry at himself it feels like a bad joke. How is it admirable? What has he done with that stubbornness besides give the people close to him false hope? He's killed people. Helped start a pointless war. And he failed at everything he wanted to do. He'd have taken that in stride two months ago but now he feels beaten down by it. Everything hurts so much and it was all for nothing.]

...Thanks.

[Rean's just trying to help. Crow doesn't want to tell him it didn't help at all, so instead of arguing with him he just takes his hand back and goes back to being barely responsive.]

[He watches Crow, then sighs and lifts a hand to touch his hair where Crow's hand left his head feeling warm.]

I said the wrong thing, huh? But I won't take it back. I don't know what you need right now, so all I can do is be honest with you, and let you know that I'm not going anywhere.

[He doesn't need Crow to respond or anything, just letting Crow know is enough for now.]

[He does in fact choose not to respond. He hears it, though, and it makes him want to cry. He never felt like a bad person before -- he knew what he did had consequences but he never felt bad. Now he does. He hasn't been so broken he thinks he deserved all that torture, but they did crack him enough that he's not sure. That he doesn't question their anger being justified or anything nasty they said about him as a person.

He doesn't know why Rean wants to stay with him anymore. But he wants him to, selfishly.

He doesn't tell Rean that either. He's just quiet the rest of the way to Trista. He's quiet while Rean explains to Beatrix what they need and he's quiet when she leads them to an actual medical facility. There he sits on a stool to talk, and he shrinks in on himself the whole time, clutching the edges of Rean's jacket like it'll protect him from the pain and the shame.

He's shaking so hard he has to clench his fingers til they're white-knuckled to keep his grip. His voice is dull and flat though, watching the floor with an empty expression as he gives a run-down, forcing himself to be honest about anything that might require medical care or testing. He doesn't want to talk about it but he wants to come in here more than once even less. So he gets it out, with pauses for bouts of unsteady breathing -- the drugs, the torture, the rape, all of it, in as few words as he can use and still be clear.

He doesn't cry when he's talking. But as soon as she gets in his personal space he freezes up, and then suddenly he's halfway across the room. Just like he thought. He can't do it. But he knows he needs to do it, and that actually makes the panic worse. He tries to apologize politely but the very words "I'm sorry" set it all off and before long he's absolutely beside himself, terrified and frustrated with himself for being terrified. Of course they give him time to collect himself because no one here is an asshole but he doesn't do the best job. He just cries a lot and apologizes a lot and kind of slips sideways til he's put himself behind the curtain by the bed where he doesn't have to look at anyone.

He really hates himself right now. This is necessary. It's for his own good. Beatrix isn't going to hurt him but he absolutely can't make himself trust that. Buuut that's why he warned them in advance. And he still has some semblance of sanity so he just asks them to wait a sec, while he changes into a gown and sits on the bed and mentally prepares himself for holding still long enough to get the straps on so he can... hold still... right.

The straps are needed. He does manage to let them tie him down but he's white as a sheet, and when the exam starts he starts hyperventilating and he doesn't stop. There are a lot of messy, shameful reactions. He's sobbing at best and screaming and struggling at worst, particularly when he needs blood drawn. He does not handle needles well, it turns out. He doesn't handle any of it but especially not the needles. He's not actually handling being restrained either, but he'll be glad about it later given that this way he's not going to punch the doctor or get weird things broken off in him.

He'll also be glad later that Rean was there. He didn't want to be seen this way but at least now Rean knows what he's dealing with. And also at some point in the midst of this total breakdown he starts calling for him and Rean is actually there which is a pretty big deal.

Ultimately, there are a lot of questions but also some answers. They're not sure if it's physical or mental yet but Crow is absolutely having bizarre reactions to pain. He's either overreacting or just not reacting at all, so it's really hard to tell what part of that is mental conditioning and what part of it might be remaining effects of the experimental drugs he was given, and what's just that his body is a crumpled-up tissue at the moment. He was right that there's no major concerning injuries, but there are so many minor ones it really adds up. There's basically no part of his skin that isn't bruised or lacerated or burned. He's concussed and several bones are fractured, mostly ribs, none enough to need setting or surgery, all already starting to knit, but enough that they're not sure how he's been moving around today. His left eye is damaged but it looks like it's healing fine. Just about everything is strained or sprained and his muscles are thoroughly tenderized, and he's got all the physical trauma associated with a whole lot of sexual assault, and they can't even begin to address the mental and emotional issues.

It's disturbing, even for a war medic. But it's not life-threatening, so after about two hours straight of exams and tests, made longer by Crow flipping out the whole time, they finally release him. The first thing he does is get up, go next door to the bathroom, and puke. And that's about where he is now, doubled over on the bathroom floor crying and considering bashing his own brains out.]

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