reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[He does in fact choose not to respond. He hears it, though, and it makes him want to cry. He never felt like a bad person before -- he knew what he did had consequences but he never felt bad. Now he does. He hasn't been so broken he thinks he deserved all that torture, but they did crack him enough that he's not sure. That he doesn't question their anger being justified or anything nasty they said about him as a person.

He doesn't know why Rean wants to stay with him anymore. But he wants him to, selfishly.

He doesn't tell Rean that either. He's just quiet the rest of the way to Trista. He's quiet while Rean explains to Beatrix what they need and he's quiet when she leads them to an actual medical facility. There he sits on a stool to talk, and he shrinks in on himself the whole time, clutching the edges of Rean's jacket like it'll protect him from the pain and the shame.

He's shaking so hard he has to clench his fingers til they're white-knuckled to keep his grip. His voice is dull and flat though, watching the floor with an empty expression as he gives a run-down, forcing himself to be honest about anything that might require medical care or testing. He doesn't want to talk about it but he wants to come in here more than once even less. So he gets it out, with pauses for bouts of unsteady breathing -- the drugs, the torture, the rape, all of it, in as few words as he can use and still be clear.

He doesn't cry when he's talking. But as soon as she gets in his personal space he freezes up, and then suddenly he's halfway across the room. Just like he thought. He can't do it. But he knows he needs to do it, and that actually makes the panic worse. He tries to apologize politely but the very words "I'm sorry" set it all off and before long he's absolutely beside himself, terrified and frustrated with himself for being terrified. Of course they give him time to collect himself because no one here is an asshole but he doesn't do the best job. He just cries a lot and apologizes a lot and kind of slips sideways til he's put himself behind the curtain by the bed where he doesn't have to look at anyone.

He really hates himself right now. This is necessary. It's for his own good. Beatrix isn't going to hurt him but he absolutely can't make himself trust that. Buuut that's why he warned them in advance. And he still has some semblance of sanity so he just asks them to wait a sec, while he changes into a gown and sits on the bed and mentally prepares himself for holding still long enough to get the straps on so he can... hold still... right.

The straps are needed. He does manage to let them tie him down but he's white as a sheet, and when the exam starts he starts hyperventilating and he doesn't stop. There are a lot of messy, shameful reactions. He's sobbing at best and screaming and struggling at worst, particularly when he needs blood drawn. He does not handle needles well, it turns out. He doesn't handle any of it but especially not the needles. He's not actually handling being restrained either, but he'll be glad about it later given that this way he's not going to punch the doctor or get weird things broken off in him.

He'll also be glad later that Rean was there. He didn't want to be seen this way but at least now Rean knows what he's dealing with. And also at some point in the midst of this total breakdown he starts calling for him and Rean is actually there which is a pretty big deal.

Ultimately, there are a lot of questions but also some answers. They're not sure if it's physical or mental yet but Crow is absolutely having bizarre reactions to pain. He's either overreacting or just not reacting at all, so it's really hard to tell what part of that is mental conditioning and what part of it might be remaining effects of the experimental drugs he was given, and what's just that his body is a crumpled-up tissue at the moment. He was right that there's no major concerning injuries, but there are so many minor ones it really adds up. There's basically no part of his skin that isn't bruised or lacerated or burned. He's concussed and several bones are fractured, mostly ribs, none enough to need setting or surgery, all already starting to knit, but enough that they're not sure how he's been moving around today. His left eye is damaged but it looks like it's healing fine. Just about everything is strained or sprained and his muscles are thoroughly tenderized, and he's got all the physical trauma associated with a whole lot of sexual assault, and they can't even begin to address the mental and emotional issues.

It's disturbing, even for a war medic. But it's not life-threatening, so after about two hours straight of exams and tests, made longer by Crow flipping out the whole time, they finally release him. The first thing he does is get up, go next door to the bathroom, and puke. And that's about where he is now, doubled over on the bathroom floor crying and considering bashing his own brains out.]

[Rean spends the first part, while Crow talks, being horrified in increasing intensity. He knew things were bad. But to hear it, knowing a lot is probably being glossed over or omitted as not important enough, makes him sick. Actually, it makes him so angry he has to sit still and clench his fists and focus on internal control so he doesn't flip his own shit. Occasionally he can't contain a distressed, angry noise, but it's soft, not interrupting anything Crow says, not distracting.

It just gets harder from there. Beatrix can handle all the medical parts of it, but Rean's right there, seeing again the state of Crow's body but this time longer and with commentary and context as Beatrix examines him. He feels useless the whole time, even when Crow starts calling for him and being there seems to help he feels useless. But he stands with Crow while it's happening and he follows Crow when it's over, crouching on the tile next to Crow and offering a damp towel and a glass of water.]

It's over for now. Instructor Beatrix says she's got everything she can for today. She'll mix up some medicine for you--for pain and to help you sleep. [And some for panic attacks too, but she'll explain all that when Crow isn't on the floor.]

Take your time. But we can go home when you're ready.

[He doesn't know if he has anything more reassuring to say than that, he wants to hug Crow so badly, but he still has rather painful bitemarks from his last attempt.]

I'm right here if you need anything.

Kill me.

[That's what he needs right now yep. He knows that's not acceptable though so he laughs after he says it, an attempt to make it into a joke instead of a very serious request.]

Ah... Tell her not to bother.

[With the medicine. Crow has no intention of ever ever ever taking a medication again. Nope. If he gets pneumonia he'll just die.]

[Yeah that laugh doesn't fool him, but he doesn't know what to say to it so he tries to nudge the water into Crow's hand.]

You can tell her yourself. She'll probably insist you at least keep it with you, anyway. I can see why you wouldn't want to take it, though.

[Given what Crow's said. Rean settles on the floor, not sure how long they're going to be here but willing to wait as long as Crow needs.]

[Mmmmgh fine he'll take the water. He'll sit up too, slowly and stiffly, so at least he's not being a total pathetic waste.]

Mm...

[Ah, yes. Rean knows everything now and he's not sure if he likes that. It was necessary though. Crow feels like he's going to be doing a lot of telling himself things are necessary, if he wants to function.]

I don't suppose you'll let me go kill them now.

I'd really like to. I'd like to join you, if I'm being honest.

[So Rean's not usually into murder but... Even he's so angry he's tempted, even if his voice is mostly calm, it's there in the undertone.]

But that's not going to be the best way to get closure. Throwing your second chance away because of scum like them isn't worth it. No matter how much they deserve it.

I'd rather focus on helping you get back on your feet.

Of course you would.

[Leave it to Rean to be reasonable. Is it bad of Crow to like hearing that anger though? He doesn't want Rean angry in itself but it does make him feel a little less like the torture was justified, if Rean's mad about it.

He doesn't ask Rean if he really deserves a second chance.]

It's not going to go back to normal, you know.

I don't think anyone would after all that. I don't want you to feel like you should pretend it's fine, either. Something like that doesn't just go away when the wounds heal, either.

Honestly I don't know what I CAN do, but I know I'll be with you every step of it. So whatever you need, I'll try to help.

I don't want you to do that.

[Sort of, anyway. He doesn't want to be pitied, or treated with kid gloves. He doesn't want to be a drag on Rean's life, either.]

I can take care of myself. If you let me get in the way of your life I'll kick your ass.

[He rolls his eyes.]

You've been in the way of my life for the last four months, I don't know why you're so concerned about it NOW.

[He lets his expression get more serious, staring straight at Crow.]

You're strong, that's true. You've survived things I can hardly imagine. But you're not alone anymore. I made the mistake of letting you out of my sight right after I got you back last time, and I'm not making that mistake again. You're not a burden, or some obligation I've been asked to handle. You're my friend, and I want to be with you, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it may get, you're not getting rid of me.

So you can complain all you want, but I'm right where I want to be, and that's not going to change.

[Sorry Rean that's too much emotion for Crow. He doesn't understand, anymore, why Rean's trying to hard. It's weird to think he did before. It's weird to think Crow used to believe so strongly in seizing what you want, in living in the moment, in doing what you want to do regardless of what comes with it. Right now he can't even bring himself to want to exist, let alone seize the day and all. So it's hard to think about Rean wanting to stick with him that way. It's also hard to decide what to do with his own hands, because he kind of really wants to cling to Rean but he doesn't know that he can handle it even if he's the one initiating it.

So he just kinda sits there, looking down to avoid eye contact. He's not sure what to say either, so he makes a half-assed attempt to sound... like himself, he supposes. Cool and okay. Just get it together and smile, Crow!]

Ahaha... Guess I can't blame you for being into me. I am pretty awesome.

[He feels the opposite of awesome but y'know.]

... Mm.

[It's just kind of painful when Crow is forcing it so obviously.]

You don't have to pretend to be okay, ever, not for me or anyone else. Honestly it's just going to worry me more if you smile like that. Obviously I don't have any of the answers for what to do about what you're dealing with, and I don't expect you to force yourself into facing any of it right now. But don't force yourself to act like you're fine, either. Awesome as you may be.

It's not--

[It's not for Rean! Well. It is, sort of, in that Crow doesn't like Rean being sad and he doesn't want to make himself any more of a pain (haha since when did he care about being a pain). Mostly it's for himself, though. Crow doesn't enjoy being miserable, and he figures if he just acts like he's not eventually he'll feel better. Fake it til you make it and all that.

But that's probably unhealthy so maybe he shouldn't argue about it. He sighs, setting the now-empty glass of water aside and rubbing his face -- or starting to, then realising his face hurts and stopping. Everything hurts actually, with an intensity he doesn't want to talk about. He'll let the medical staff here try to figure out if it's real or not, he's not discussing the ins and outs of why he does or doesn't react at any given time. The truth is it's just Crow's wavering ability to dissociate as a coping mechanism but he'll let them guess, because it's awkward.

And because he doesn't believe there's anything anyone can do so it's better just not to give them more concerns. Regardless he's hurting a lot right now and he wants a hug but he's petrified of them so he's just looking antsy and lost.]

...I should get dressed. This is embarrassing.

[You're always embarrassing Rean almost sasses but... now probably isn't the time to be joking. Or maybe it is but it's not usually Rean who's good at judging the best time not to be serious. He scratches his cheek, really wanting to hug Crow, he hasn't stopped wanting to hug Crow, but he's kind of figuring that's still off limits, maybe forever. He won't try to push boundaries, anyway.]

I'll get your clothes.

[And his jacket which is just Crow's now, at least for today.]

Then we can go home.

[He's getting up to do just that, wanting nothing more than to have Crow safely in their dorm now, across from his room where he can keep an eye on him.]

Okay.

[This is fine. He does feel better dressed at least, and he's pathetically glad about having Rean's jacket. It's like a hug by proxy. He's not giving it back.]

Do I have my stuff?

[Kind of important?? It shouldn't have been tough to collect his things from the Pantagruel but maybe that was neglected. He'd like to have it all, though, just so the room feels familiar and safe instead of the sterile state he left it in.]

[His jacket is small on Crow. But he's not commenting, just watching Crow with worried anxiousness.]

Yeah.

[That happened a while ago, Rufus of all people sent it along. Honestly Rean wouldn't have thought of it, too busy searching for Crow, but Jusis's brother never misses a beat, not even on the tiny details.]

Your room's about how it used to be. If that's okay.

[It's small but that's why he's just draping it over his shoulders and pulling it close, rather than putting it on properly and being unable to move his arms. It looks silly but it's the closest thing to something making Crow happy right now.]

That's fine. Thanks.

[It'll feel like home that way.]

Let's go.

Right.

[But there's Beatrix to contend with first. She insists they take the drugs she's made up for them, and if Crow refuses she hands them to Rean along with instructions. Only after she's satisfied do they get to actually head back to the dorm. Rean sticks close to Crow the whole way, not quite touching but maybe more in his space than is normally comfortable. He can't help it, he really doesn't want to take his eyes off Crow for even a moment.]

[Crow's not complaining about the closeness now. It's starting to settle in that he's safe, and it's Rean, so... If it's Rean, Crow can deal with it. He's telling himself to get used to the invasion of personal space, partly because he wants to not be pathetic and partly so he can get the attention he wants sooner than later.

He doesn't take the drugs, but he doesn't get angry at Rean for taking them. He just huffs a little, then quietly follows him home, huddling in the borrowed jacket the whole time. He's not remotely pretending not to huff Reansmell off the furry bits.

By the time they get home he's nearly worked up the courage to try physical contact. So he sits down on the edge of his bed, and pats the space beside him.]

Sit with me?

[Even if he won't force Crow to take the drugs they're there if he wants them at some point, is Rean's reasoning. He sets them down on the table downstairs before they head up, and if he even notices Crow sniffing his jacket he doesn't comment. What he does do is sit next to Crow immediately and gladly. He doesn't know if he'd be able to take getting kicked out right now, he'd probably stand outside Crow's door and stare at it worriedly for a while.

This is better. It means he can stay with Crow. Honestly he hasn't really processed everything Crow revealed or what it all means for going forward, it's going to take a while to filter through it all. But that's fine, he will. The real person who has to struggle with it is Crow, the guy who lived through it and needs all the support Rean can offer. Rean intends to offer all the support Crow needs and more, whether Crow wants it or not. That Crow wants him around enough to invite him to stay is good.]

Honestly I'm relieved you didn't kick me out. I'd probably stand at your doorway like a confused dog, right now.

That's [~~gay~~] cute of you. I promise I don't need help sleeping, though.

[And sleeping is what he really ought to be doing right now. But instead he's just pulling his feet up on the bed with him and carefully, gently leaning on Rean.]

If you did I bet Millium would lend you one of her giant stuffed Mishy toys.

[He looks at Crow leaning on him and he's honestly overjoyed. Not at the situation but you know, this is a huge step up from freaking out and all at being touched. He wants to touch Crow, actually but he should make sure that's all right.]]

Is it okay if I touch you?

[That's probably vague and menacing but he really just wants to give Crow headpats.]

[It is a little scary given that just this is terrifying and painful. But he nods, taking a slow shuddering breath in anticipation.]

You just gotta warn me.

[He lifts his arm slowly enough for Crow to tell him to stop, patting Crow's head incredibly gently.]

Yeah. Just tell me what's okay and what isn't. I'll do or not do whatever you ask.

[Even that touch is a lot. Crow flinches, shivering and tensing, but doesn't pull away.]

You'll definitely know if I don't want it.

[Because he'll flip, of course.]

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