reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[Crow is happy to let Rean help. He's more than happy to let Rean touch him as much as he wants. Of course he's scared at the same time, but it's Rean and that overrides most of it. As much as he wants to feel useful and effective he also wants to feel attractive and wanted -- who doesn't? He always did want that, but the old Crow was confident in his looks and in his general existence, and new Crow is pretty sure he's useless and disgusting, so he's a lot more sensitive to how he's being perceived.

He leans into Rean's hands without hesitation, letting Rean get his pants undone and then throwing his arms around his shoulders and, without warning, rolling them. He could have gotten off the bed to get the pants the rest of the way off, but this is more fun, and it's easier to not pass out when he's flopped on his back.]

[He's fine with being on top honestly. Not as confident as he would be if Crow weren't hideously traumatized but it's hard to feel confident straddling a guy when you aren't sure when your next move is going to trigger some horrific memory.

Still he's doing his best not to show that he's scared of that. It's not fair to Crow if he acts like Crow's fragile, even if Crow really is.

He's gentle, less intense than Crow's manic desperation, but still in enough of a hurry to free Crow from his pants that he's not taking his time pulling them off and stroking his thighs, sliding down between his legs when he's got Crow naked and had a chance to admire him for a moment.]

[This is already far away from those memories -- it's gentle, loving, in a nice safe bed, with someone Crow really loves. Even if he can't help being fucked up about it, there's value in that, right? And that's why he's able to keep it together now, watching Rean and breathing unsteadily.]

[He strokes Crow's thighs with his fingers, flushed and excited and nervous and scared of fucking up and just as determined to keep going.]

If you need me to stop remember you can say so.

[Just. He can't entirely avoid saying that. He has to remind Crow for his own peace of mind before he scoots down and gets his mouth around Crow's dick. Going at it more gently and slowly than Crow's extreme overwhelming but still not trying to go too slow.]

I know.

[He does, and that's a huge thing. He hasn't been able to say "stop" in what feels like forever. The echoes of that are all over his body and mind, but Rean's... comforting. Different. Crow knows he always could have trusted any of his friends but Rean in particular makes him feel safe. He'll be scared for a long time, but he'll have that.

He's doing his best to focus on that safe feeling now. Rean's mouth feels heavenly, but the more pleasure Crow feels the more his nerves alight in confused over-sensitivity. It hurts, and it feels amazing, and both of those things are more intense than they should be.

But Rean's safe. Crow loves him. So though his erratic breath is picking up in shallow speed, though he's gripping the sheets ruthlessly rather than yank on Rean's hair, he's not going to tell him to stop. He doesn't want him to. He just wants to pull all his own skin off a little.

He settles, instead, for biting his lip and allowing himself to make tiny whimpering noises.]

[As signals for "is this blowjob going okay" go, Rean's getting pretty mixed messages. But Crow isn't telling him to stop and he's hard in Rean's mouth so he's just hoping it's fine. He can't exactly ask without interrupting himself and at this point he's pretty sure he's not doing anything that should hurt Crow.

All the same he goes a little more gently. No less enthusiastic, no less attempting to override trauma with himself, but definitely trying hard to respond to even the littlest tells that something is good, attentive and perhaps surprisingly clever with his tongue, attention keyed entirely to Crow. Gently rubbing Crow's thigh with a thumb in a consciously soothing but also pleasant way.

It's gratifying when he can tell something is good but it's surprisingly difficult to decide which noises are panic and which are pleasure.]

Nn- Ah... Rean.

[It's hard to talk. He's feeling too much, and he's trying to cover for it at least a little but he can't do so entirely. He forces himself to take in big gasps, to slow him down and keep from hyperventilating, and lifts one hand to pet Rean's hair, shaky but determined to make this not horrible.]

Don't slow down. You're-- I want... more...

[Moremoremore-- it's not at all sane and he knows it but he wants to take in everything at once. He also wants to run away, but he's trying to clamp down on that urge. He's denying any pained sounds, too, trying to separate them out from the pleasured ones he also wants to make. It's hard to keep track of but he wants Rean to enjoy it so he'll detangle the needy moans from the agonized whines and release only the former.]

[He's really not sure how much more he can offer like this, but he makes a noise of agreement anyway, speeding up, using his hands more to help fondle and touch, throwing himself fully into getting Crow off as enthusiastically as possible.

He knows Crow is forcing himself but he's doing his best to at least make it good.

The hand in his hair is nice but he really can't afford to get too distracted by how lovely and erotic and worrying Crow is when he has his mission; more. So he's trying to be as overwhelming as possible.]

[It's not hard to overwhelm Crow at this point but Rean would be doing a good job of it even if he weren't totally physically fucked up on that front. Maybe he doesn't have the same experience as Crow but he's paying such close attention, trying so hard, it makes up for that.

Besides, it's Rean. Even if it were the worst head ever Crow'd still be able to get off just on watching him do it. Since it's far from the worst, he doesn't remotely have to force himself to enjoy it. He crumbles easily into panting and quiet begging -- also not sane but "please more" and just Rean's names aren't unpleasant things to be saying so it's fine. It's fine it's fine it's too much but it's fine, right up til the end. Orgasm really is too fuckin much, so he fails utterly to hide the pain in the way he cries out.

He covers his mouth with both hands though, to quiet it. And it's not like there isn't a hell of a lot of pleasure in that sound too. It's just... both. Afterwards he can't make himself calm down, so he keeps his eyes squeezed shut against the stinging in them and his hands clamped muffling the tiny squeaky distressed noises coming out.]

[It's alarming but most of what Crow does these days is. Rean swallows what he's got in his mouth and leans up quickly, sure that you aren't supposed to sound super in pain from orgasm. Sure Crow also obviously enjoyed that, Rean has the proof on his own tongue, but he's not sure if this is just more of how Crow's messed up or if he genuinely hurt him somehow or both, so he's deeply concerned.]

Crow?

[He's reaching to touch Crow's face, trying to move not too abruptly, not look as alarmed as he feels.]

Hey, did I hurt you? Do you need anything?

[He flinches away from Rean's hand, scooting back and sitting up when he's got a bit more space. He doesn't want to but he pulls his hands away from his mouth just enough to try to say something reassuring.]

You didn't hurt me. You... Thanks.

[He wanted to prove he could do it and he did! Feeling awful isn't Rean's fault. Rean did his best and Crow is genuinely grateful that Rean didn't stop or treat him too delicately. He doesn't want to be delicate. Buut he kinda is. He's a mess in every way, and he's wobbly and almost swaying when he gets up out of bed but he's on his feet and that's good enough.]

Sorry I'm... like this.

[That's clearly all he needs to say right? No, he knows they need to communicate but instead he's going to pulls his pants back on and head for the door.]

Gonna run to the bathroom.

['Cause y'know he can lock himself in there and not come out for a few days and it'd be Okay.]

[Obviously Rean's not going to let Crow get away that easily. Not even for a few hours, let alone days. But he's stunned enough not to stop Crow, starting to say his name by the time Crow escapes.

And then he's left sitting naked on Crow's bed feeling weird and incredibly upset. Second-guessing himself and the whole encounter.

Did he do the right thing, going for this with Crow? Could he have done anything better? Should he have been more gentle and careful? Should he have done any of this at all in the first place?

It's upsetting, and he kind of wants to cry. But he scrubs at his face and slaps his cheeks instead. Letting this get to him means he's focused too inward. Crow needs him not to be a mess over things like this, so he slams a lid on the confusion and hurt and finds his clothes. Even if he should have done things differently he can't take back what's happened, after all.

He gets dressed, cleans up the blade cards and takeout on Crow's floor, heads back to his own room to brush his teeth and get his pjs on. Focusing on each task to keep himself emotionless until he's standing in front of Crow's bathroom and knocking because there's nothing left to reasonably do.]

Hey. You ready for bed?

[At his point his voice is steady and normal. No trace that he's uncertain or bothered by Crow's behavior. He's managed to compose himself and if not forget that initial gut wrenching feeling, he's set it aside. He's got way more important things to focus on than self pity. Like Crow, for a start.]

[Crow's pretty sure he shouldn't have put Rean through all this but he's also sure he shouldn't have put Rean through knowing him in the first place. It's too late to take it back now tho so he's just glad Rean's strong and stubborn enough to rely on -- Crow badly needs to be able to lean on someone.

While Rean's trying to calm down and be responsible Crow's taking an icy shower. He stands there for way too long, leaning on the wall trying not to pass out while the water washes off some of the gross feeling. Then he climbs out with the intent of doing all the meticulous little beauty maintenance things he didn't get to do enough while imprisoned.

Buuut the temperature shift when he emerges from the shower causes a dizzy spell that combines with utter exhaustion to leave him blacking out entirely. He comes to a minute or so later on the floor with nice new bruise on his arm from hitting the counter on the way down, and decides to stay there. He's tired and miserable and he didn't really want to force himself to function in the first place.

Anyway, he can't stop thinking about how the bruise hurts so unfairly much and that makes him think about how his body is irreparably damaged and that he can't even do normal things anymore and he can't reclaim his sense of agency and he's hurting Rean with the attempt and--

Yeah. It's a lot. He's dealing with it by curling into a ball and crying, because otherwise he thinks he might lose it and start screaming or hurt himself or something. He's there when Rean comes back, pathetically trying to be quiet about it so Rean won't burst in and try to take care of him.]

You can go to bed. I'm staying in here awhile.

.... I'm coming in, okay?

[He's not giving Crow the chance to say no either, opening the door and frowning when he finds Crow on the floor. It's alarming but Crow's conscious. So he grabs a towel and kneels next to him.]

Oh geeze you're freezing.

I'm fine.

[Nooo don't be nice at him!

Crow takes the towel, but he's swatting Rean's hands before they can do anything else helpful. Just let him huddle here on th3 floor as a cold unhappy lump! It's where he belongs.]

--Yes, I'm full of shit, I know.

[Rean's definitely not going to believe "I'm fine" but that's not actually the point of saying it at this point.]

"I'm fine" means "go away".

Tough. I don't listen to bullshit.

[He's going to try to pick Crow up in his arms. Sure Crow is bigger and bulkier but Rean is strong and Crow can deal with being carried to bed. ]

[can he though]

Don't touch me!

[Theoretically he can handle it but actually he just freaks out a little. Not so much he's going to hit Rean if he doesn't back off but enough that it's immediately clear he really does not want to be picked up. It's frightening and painful.]

... Fine. If you're going to get up. I'm not letting you freeze on the floor.

[He'll let Crow move himself if he would rather. ]

...

[This is so humiliating. Crow really wants to scream -- to demand to be left alone, not looked at, not talked to, just left by himself to be pathetic. The only thing that keeps him from doing that is that the possibility of Rean ignoring it is too high. The last thing Crow wants is to make Rean that unhappy. He doesn't want to force Rean to push trauma buttons just to be a good person.

Sooo he gets up. But his face is burning with embarrassment and the very act of being obedient when he doesn't want to be is making him want to expire.]

There. I'm up.

[He hates how much Crow hates this but he can't leave him on the floor.]

Thanks.

[He doesn't like this, he doesn't like making Crow look humiliated, so once he's up he backs off some, retreating a bit to give Crow space.]

It's not hurting me to be in here, you know.

[It was just a floor. He's slept in way worse conditions. But... it's nice that Rean worries. Crow just doesn't know what to do with it. He's become unused to that kind of care and now it sort of burns.]

You didn't do anything to hurt me, either. So you don't have to feel responsible for taking care of me.

I don't feel responsible, I just don't like you freezing on the floor.

[And crying, obviously, but he doesn't know what to say. ]

At least sleep in bed.

...Okay.

["Sleep in bed" is a really reasonable request honestly. It'd be nothing but petty and contrary to argue with it, so he won't. He's a mess but he doesn't want to fight for the sake of fighting.]

Sorry.

Don't apologize.

[He's trying to offer a smile. He's fine, Crow doesn't need to worry about him. He's just worried about Crow.]

I just don't know what I'd do if you turned into an icicle.

[Rean's obviously trying his best, and Crow can't help loving it. He can't help loving Rean in general. He's not loving himself much at the moment though so the kindness hurts, and while the humour does actually make him feel better that relief just dials down the tension enough to make the tears come back.

He's trying not to let them but it's pretty obvious. Crow's just going to try to scoot past Rean into the bedroom so he can at least get to bed and not start wailing while standing around dripping in a towel.]

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