This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[awakenerd]

I gave you plenty of space.

[And you went and cried on the floor with it.]

I'm not going to force you or anything but would a hug kill you?

[filetofish]

I--

[No a hug wouldn't kill him he's just feeling way too vulnerable right now. He pulls out of Rean's grasp, flushed and not making eye contact. This is all so stupid.]

Just let me put some damned pants on, for Aidios' sake!

[awakenerd]

Okay okay.

[He lets Crow go without holding on too tightly. It hurts to be pushed away so consistently but he's stubborn and he's trying not to let that sting get to him personally. Crow's a mess, he knows that. He signed up for this knowing that, and his feelings haven't changed.]

[filetofish]

[Hhhhhhhh!! Crow's too worked up, and knowing he's being mean to Rean isn't helping. He doesn't want to be, but he can't do anything about his own frayed nerves. He can at least bite back the grouchy "don't watch me" that nearly escapes, but he can't help the fact that being looked at at all when he's embarrassed makes him want to crawl into a hole and die.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself and says nothing. Instead he just vigorously towel dries his hair, then pulls on boxers and pyjamas, letting the feeling of normal routine settle him a little. It doesn't make him want to break down less but it does make him feel more like a human being and, more importantly, it makes him feel less disadvantaged. When Rean's dressed and cleaned up and sane and Crow is none of those things he feels way too unbalanced. Vulnerable. Powerless. Humiliated and scared. A lot of things he doesn't like.

So being dry and clothed actually helps quite a bit, and when he sits heavily on the side of the bed he's not feeling so bristly.]

...Okay.

[awakenerd]

Sorry for pushing you.

[But not for getting Crow off the floor. He wasn't going to let that continue even if Crow was fine with it. But now he's standing awkwardly in Crow's room not sure what to do. He still wants to hug Crow but maybe he should in fact just go and let Crow rest. He wishes he knew what Crow actually needed, just guessing and hoping he's not fucking up too much is nervewracking.[

[filetofish]

It's fine.

[He needs it and he knows that. That doesn't make it any easier, but at least Crow can recognize that wallowing doesn't help. He's the type to keep moving, after all. It's just that trying to move is so painful now that he's pretty sure he can't unless someone's pulling him along. He's tired. Everything hurts. He doesn't want to try.

Looking at the floor, he rubs his face for a moment, then abruptly gets up again. He's coming over to take Rean's hand though. Still without making eye contact, he tugs Rean towards the hall.]

Let's go to your room.

[awakenerd]

[He's startled but he squeezes Crow's hand and follows him back to his own room. This is okay? As long as Crow isn't facedown on the floor crying this has got to be improvement.]

Sure.

[He steps into his own room after Crow, heading to his bed to sit down but not letting go of Crow's hand unless Crow tries to escape.]

[filetofish]

[He doesn't pull away this time. He lets that contact be a slow acclimation to touch, reminding himself that it's okay. That he wants to be touched. Just because it went sideways doesn't mean he can't handle this much.

He sits down next to Rean, quietly staring at the floor for a bit. He wants that hug but he should be honest about what's going on before giving Rean more reason to question himself.]

...I haven't told you something important.

[awakenerd]

[He'll hold onto Crow's hand as long as he's allowed, frankly, wanting as much as Crow's comfortable with. Also more, but this much is still nice and he doesn't mind being patient with Crow. He just wishes he knew what to do that didn't keep tripping Crow up into freaking out. Maybe he can't do anything, but he wishes he could]

...What is it?

[filetofish]

...The people who messed with me the first time got their funding from a guy that was actually on Chancellor Asshole's payroll. I didn't notice at the time for reasons, but in retrospect it should've seemed familiar... That's not what I'm trying to tell you though.

[Crow rubs at his face with his free hand, trying to stay calm enough to go through this and not doing very well. He's holding Rean's hand desperately tight.]

The point is, they brought that guy in to... to "train" me. That's what was happening, this whole time. They used all the same stuff, they just arranged it differently. And the drugs they used are really, really shitty. I was already getting like this when you found me before but now-- Right now, my whole body hurts. Always. And I feel everything more, so... I really wanted to believe I could mess around with you and be stronger than that, but I couldn't. You were the best, it was just... too much.

[Just like talking about it is too much! Which is why Crow's starting to ugly cry.]

I really am just scraps, Rean. I'm never going to go back to being someone worth knowing.

[awakenerd]

[That's horrifying and enraging on so many levels and the way he's holding Crow's hand too tightly tells a lot.

He doesn't know what to say, so unless Crow stops him he's dragging him into that hug.

It hurts so much, what Crow's been through, that he didn't stop it, that Crow sees himself with so little value. It makes Rean furious and sad and twisted up. But even still he's at least glad he knows a bit more what he's dealing with. He doesn't know if it'll help him make any less mistakes, but at least Crow trusts him, and that's important.]

Thank you, for telling me. But I have to disagree with you on that last part. You're so strong it's kind of painful you know? I'm not going to let you go again, I promised and I mean it. I'll make sure none of them can touch you ever again.

[filetofish]

...Thank you...

[He spent the morning insisting that he can take care of himself, but he was a lot more honest when he first arrived, wanting to be held and protected.

He's worked up enough right now not to try to be tough. He flinches at the hug, but he also almost immediately lifts his hands to cling to the back of Rean's shirt. It's so warm... The comfort is overwhelming, so Crow ends up shoving his face against Rean's shoulder and crying so hard it's full on baby wailing.]

[awakenerd]

[He pets Crow's back, holding him as tightly as he dares.]

It's okay to be a mess, you know. I really... Don't think of you less for it. I want to be able to do anything to make you happier, so if there's things you need you just have to tell me and I'll try.

[He hates hearing Crow cry the same way anyone would hate having someone they love cry, but it's a relief too. He wants Crow to get it out at least some, to feel safe with Rean.]

[filetofish]

I'm-- I'm just so pissed off...

[He's angry almost as much as he's sad and scared. He's upset beyond what anyone should be able to deal with and it's kind of a miracle he's even vaguely functioning. Crying on Rean is embarrassing, but it does help, so he won't complain.]

I hate him so much! How long is he gonna keep fucking with me?!

[At this point he's been pissed off at Osborne for half his life. The more he tries to act on it the more entangled he gets, and the more he ends up used and hurt.]

Even now I feel like I'm just a way for him to get at you.

[awakenerd]

[There's guilt there at Crow's words, because after all that man is connected to Rean. And even if it's totally illogical to feel any responsibility for what his father does, that won't stop Rean from feeling it. And feeling furious about it.]

I think pissed off is the mildest thing anyone could expect. He's... really crossed a lot of lines, with what he's done to you.

[filetofish]

Mm... I'm most afraid of what he's going to do to you.

[Did they ever really intend to get Crow to fight for them? He can't help but wonder. Maybe the whole point was to leave him too messed up to be in the way. Like this... or should have been easy to assume he'd go straight to Rean as soon as they let him off the leash.]

[awakenerd]

I'll be okay. It's not like they're going to hurt me like this.

[So being a shady assassin might hurt him other ways but at least he'll be functional.]

Besides, how could I let anything happen if I know you're worrying about me?

[He's trying to tease a little, even while keeping his arms around Crow.]

[filetofish]

That's true.

[Joking is good! Crow wishes he could joke everything away entirely, honestly. But that's not going to happen so he'll settle for sounding weakly grumpy against Rean's shoulder.]

If you get hurt I'll kick both our asses.

[awakenerd]

I guess I'll have to be careful then.

[He's rubbing his palm over Crow's back gently, pulling him in closer, or scooting closer himself, just trying to be close.]

[filetofish]

Mmm... I'll try to be patient.

[Y'know, waiting. When Rean's gone. Which he assumes he'll be doing right here, alone, freaking out into the void.]