reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[Rean's been watching Crow worriedly. He's not going to try to pretend he isn't worried, that just isn't who he is. So when Crow addresses him he's already focused on Crow and responds instantly and with complete confusion.]

What?

If you want me to see a doctor, you're going to need restraints.

[He's still not looking at Rean but he does sound dead serious. Not threatening -- just serious, in a quiet way. He can feel fear rising in his chest the closer to home they get, and he's fighting the totally insane urge to jump out the train window and just die rather than let anyone touch him or look at him like that. He's 100% sure all coherent thought is going to leave him the moment it starts.

Thanks, dudes whose names he still doesn't know, for being so concerned with his health.]

Or sedatives, I guess. Either way.

[Great. Great great great. Back to handcuffs. He takes a deep breath.]

Okay.

[He'll just talk to Dominique and ask for a pair and like. Cool. Fine.]

Anything else?

[God Rean take him to a hospital with proper bed restraints that don't hurt!! Crow is totally anticipating handcuffs though. He just doesn't like it. He doesn't like any of it.

Just the anticipation has him shaking like a leaf, but rather than look for comfort he just shrugs, staring out the window and looking totally miserable. He doesn't know how much Rean knows about what went on in there but he doesn't really want to tell him. He'll have to tell Beatrix though. If he wants as few doctors visits as possible he's just going to have to knock out as much as he can in the first go, and that's going to require being honest. Which sucks. Honesty sucks.]

...Come with me, I guess.

[So he doesn't have to say anything twice.]

But nobody else.

[Don't worry Crow, as soon as Rean explains restraints are needed Beatrix will drag you somewhere. She knows better than to do handcuffs. Rean will still have a handy pair of cuffs though, I guess.]

Of course.

[He's relieved Crow wants him there, honestly. He wants to be with Crow, whatever happens. Honestly he didn't really intend to let Crow out of his sight anyway. The last time he did that Crow got kidnapped and the time before Crow vanished willingly. He's going to be attached at the hip to Crow from now on.]

I wasn't really planning to leave you alone anyway.

[That's such a Rean thing to say. Crow actually laughs -- a tiny, sad laugh that's perilously close to tears, but a laugh nonetheless.

He lifts his hand, hesitates, puts it back down. Then he takes a deep, steadying breath, picks it up again, and reaches over without looking to pat Rean on the head.]

What a brat.

[His eyes widen a little and he looks like he miiight cry but he's also smiling. Not the Crow necessarily catches it except in his voice.]

Yeah, well, with the way you attract trouble I'm not about to take my eyes off you.

Stubborn...

[Rean really is. And Crow is, actually, glad he came for him, when he can think through the fear and anger. He lets his hand stay there, absently running his fingers through Rean's hair as he watches the familiar scenery. It's too intimate a gesture for the friendship they're supposed to have. Too fond. But there's something calming about it, so it doesn't occur to him to stop.]

Like you aren't?

[He isn't going to draw Crow's attention to the fact that he's, uh, no longer just patting his head but actually petting his hair now. It's not like he dislikes it, anyway, and if it's something Crow is happy doing then Rean's happy too. It's just kind of starting to make him blush. Not even because he's thinking anything specific or lewd, just because it feels nice and the attention is nice and it's?? It's nice.]

Mm. I am. Maybe too much.

[If he hadn't been so stubborn about getting revenge, would this have happened? If he hadn't been stubborn in refusing to take it all back, would they have hurt him less? Maybe if he'd just accepted that things wouldn't change, he wouldn't have become the kind of person that so many people hate. If he'd been a good person he wouldn't be in so much pain right now. It's like he told Rean that time on the Pantagruel. His story is far from unique. His grievances weren't really more important than those of the people he trampled along the way. And after all that, after all this, he didn't accomplish anything anyway. He can't help suspecting that he'd been used all along.

So it was pointless stubbornness. And now he's paying for it. He doesn't regret what he did but he kind of regrets being born.]

[It's a little worrying that Crow is saying too much. It's worrying that Crow is in the state he's in at all, of course.]

You know... We may not always see eye to eye, but your stubbornness is something I can admire, even when I'm most frustrated by it.

[His hand stops, still in Rean's hair. That ought to be nice to hear. In the sane part of his brain maybe it is. But the not-so-sane part of him feels like he's just been stabbed in the gut.

He knows, he knows that was an encouragement. But he's just so angry at himself it feels like a bad joke. How is it admirable? What has he done with that stubbornness besides give the people close to him false hope? He's killed people. Helped start a pointless war. And he failed at everything he wanted to do. He'd have taken that in stride two months ago but now he feels beaten down by it. Everything hurts so much and it was all for nothing.]

...Thanks.

[Rean's just trying to help. Crow doesn't want to tell him it didn't help at all, so instead of arguing with him he just takes his hand back and goes back to being barely responsive.]

[He watches Crow, then sighs and lifts a hand to touch his hair where Crow's hand left his head feeling warm.]

I said the wrong thing, huh? But I won't take it back. I don't know what you need right now, so all I can do is be honest with you, and let you know that I'm not going anywhere.

[He doesn't need Crow to respond or anything, just letting Crow know is enough for now.]

[He does in fact choose not to respond. He hears it, though, and it makes him want to cry. He never felt like a bad person before -- he knew what he did had consequences but he never felt bad. Now he does. He hasn't been so broken he thinks he deserved all that torture, but they did crack him enough that he's not sure. That he doesn't question their anger being justified or anything nasty they said about him as a person.

He doesn't know why Rean wants to stay with him anymore. But he wants him to, selfishly.

He doesn't tell Rean that either. He's just quiet the rest of the way to Trista. He's quiet while Rean explains to Beatrix what they need and he's quiet when she leads them to an actual medical facility. There he sits on a stool to talk, and he shrinks in on himself the whole time, clutching the edges of Rean's jacket like it'll protect him from the pain and the shame.

He's shaking so hard he has to clench his fingers til they're white-knuckled to keep his grip. His voice is dull and flat though, watching the floor with an empty expression as he gives a run-down, forcing himself to be honest about anything that might require medical care or testing. He doesn't want to talk about it but he wants to come in here more than once even less. So he gets it out, with pauses for bouts of unsteady breathing -- the drugs, the torture, the rape, all of it, in as few words as he can use and still be clear.

He doesn't cry when he's talking. But as soon as she gets in his personal space he freezes up, and then suddenly he's halfway across the room. Just like he thought. He can't do it. But he knows he needs to do it, and that actually makes the panic worse. He tries to apologize politely but the very words "I'm sorry" set it all off and before long he's absolutely beside himself, terrified and frustrated with himself for being terrified. Of course they give him time to collect himself because no one here is an asshole but he doesn't do the best job. He just cries a lot and apologizes a lot and kind of slips sideways til he's put himself behind the curtain by the bed where he doesn't have to look at anyone.

He really hates himself right now. This is necessary. It's for his own good. Beatrix isn't going to hurt him but he absolutely can't make himself trust that. Buuut that's why he warned them in advance. And he still has some semblance of sanity so he just asks them to wait a sec, while he changes into a gown and sits on the bed and mentally prepares himself for holding still long enough to get the straps on so he can... hold still... right.

The straps are needed. He does manage to let them tie him down but he's white as a sheet, and when the exam starts he starts hyperventilating and he doesn't stop. There are a lot of messy, shameful reactions. He's sobbing at best and screaming and struggling at worst, particularly when he needs blood drawn. He does not handle needles well, it turns out. He doesn't handle any of it but especially not the needles. He's not actually handling being restrained either, but he'll be glad about it later given that this way he's not going to punch the doctor or get weird things broken off in him.

He'll also be glad later that Rean was there. He didn't want to be seen this way but at least now Rean knows what he's dealing with. And also at some point in the midst of this total breakdown he starts calling for him and Rean is actually there which is a pretty big deal.

Ultimately, there are a lot of questions but also some answers. They're not sure if it's physical or mental yet but Crow is absolutely having bizarre reactions to pain. He's either overreacting or just not reacting at all, so it's really hard to tell what part of that is mental conditioning and what part of it might be remaining effects of the experimental drugs he was given, and what's just that his body is a crumpled-up tissue at the moment. He was right that there's no major concerning injuries, but there are so many minor ones it really adds up. There's basically no part of his skin that isn't bruised or lacerated or burned. He's concussed and several bones are fractured, mostly ribs, none enough to need setting or surgery, all already starting to knit, but enough that they're not sure how he's been moving around today. His left eye is damaged but it looks like it's healing fine. Just about everything is strained or sprained and his muscles are thoroughly tenderized, and he's got all the physical trauma associated with a whole lot of sexual assault, and they can't even begin to address the mental and emotional issues.

It's disturbing, even for a war medic. But it's not life-threatening, so after about two hours straight of exams and tests, made longer by Crow flipping out the whole time, they finally release him. The first thing he does is get up, go next door to the bathroom, and puke. And that's about where he is now, doubled over on the bathroom floor crying and considering bashing his own brains out.]

[Rean spends the first part, while Crow talks, being horrified in increasing intensity. He knew things were bad. But to hear it, knowing a lot is probably being glossed over or omitted as not important enough, makes him sick. Actually, it makes him so angry he has to sit still and clench his fists and focus on internal control so he doesn't flip his own shit. Occasionally he can't contain a distressed, angry noise, but it's soft, not interrupting anything Crow says, not distracting.

It just gets harder from there. Beatrix can handle all the medical parts of it, but Rean's right there, seeing again the state of Crow's body but this time longer and with commentary and context as Beatrix examines him. He feels useless the whole time, even when Crow starts calling for him and being there seems to help he feels useless. But he stands with Crow while it's happening and he follows Crow when it's over, crouching on the tile next to Crow and offering a damp towel and a glass of water.]

It's over for now. Instructor Beatrix says she's got everything she can for today. She'll mix up some medicine for you--for pain and to help you sleep. [And some for panic attacks too, but she'll explain all that when Crow isn't on the floor.]

Take your time. But we can go home when you're ready.

[He doesn't know if he has anything more reassuring to say than that, he wants to hug Crow so badly, but he still has rather painful bitemarks from his last attempt.]

I'm right here if you need anything.

Kill me.

[That's what he needs right now yep. He knows that's not acceptable though so he laughs after he says it, an attempt to make it into a joke instead of a very serious request.]

Ah... Tell her not to bother.

[With the medicine. Crow has no intention of ever ever ever taking a medication again. Nope. If he gets pneumonia he'll just die.]

[Yeah that laugh doesn't fool him, but he doesn't know what to say to it so he tries to nudge the water into Crow's hand.]

You can tell her yourself. She'll probably insist you at least keep it with you, anyway. I can see why you wouldn't want to take it, though.

[Given what Crow's said. Rean settles on the floor, not sure how long they're going to be here but willing to wait as long as Crow needs.]

[Mmmmgh fine he'll take the water. He'll sit up too, slowly and stiffly, so at least he's not being a total pathetic waste.]

Mm...

[Ah, yes. Rean knows everything now and he's not sure if he likes that. It was necessary though. Crow feels like he's going to be doing a lot of telling himself things are necessary, if he wants to function.]

I don't suppose you'll let me go kill them now.

I'd really like to. I'd like to join you, if I'm being honest.

[So Rean's not usually into murder but... Even he's so angry he's tempted, even if his voice is mostly calm, it's there in the undertone.]

But that's not going to be the best way to get closure. Throwing your second chance away because of scum like them isn't worth it. No matter how much they deserve it.

I'd rather focus on helping you get back on your feet.

Of course you would.

[Leave it to Rean to be reasonable. Is it bad of Crow to like hearing that anger though? He doesn't want Rean angry in itself but it does make him feel a little less like the torture was justified, if Rean's mad about it.

He doesn't ask Rean if he really deserves a second chance.]

It's not going to go back to normal, you know.

I don't think anyone would after all that. I don't want you to feel like you should pretend it's fine, either. Something like that doesn't just go away when the wounds heal, either.

Honestly I don't know what I CAN do, but I know I'll be with you every step of it. So whatever you need, I'll try to help.

I don't want you to do that.

[Sort of, anyway. He doesn't want to be pitied, or treated with kid gloves. He doesn't want to be a drag on Rean's life, either.]

I can take care of myself. If you let me get in the way of your life I'll kick your ass.

[He rolls his eyes.]

You've been in the way of my life for the last four months, I don't know why you're so concerned about it NOW.

[He lets his expression get more serious, staring straight at Crow.]

You're strong, that's true. You've survived things I can hardly imagine. But you're not alone anymore. I made the mistake of letting you out of my sight right after I got you back last time, and I'm not making that mistake again. You're not a burden, or some obligation I've been asked to handle. You're my friend, and I want to be with you, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it may get, you're not getting rid of me.

So you can complain all you want, but I'm right where I want to be, and that's not going to change.

[Sorry Rean that's too much emotion for Crow. He doesn't understand, anymore, why Rean's trying to hard. It's weird to think he did before. It's weird to think Crow used to believe so strongly in seizing what you want, in living in the moment, in doing what you want to do regardless of what comes with it. Right now he can't even bring himself to want to exist, let alone seize the day and all. So it's hard to think about Rean wanting to stick with him that way. It's also hard to decide what to do with his own hands, because he kind of really wants to cling to Rean but he doesn't know that he can handle it even if he's the one initiating it.

So he just kinda sits there, looking down to avoid eye contact. He's not sure what to say either, so he makes a half-assed attempt to sound... like himself, he supposes. Cool and okay. Just get it together and smile, Crow!]

Ahaha... Guess I can't blame you for being into me. I am pretty awesome.

[He feels the opposite of awesome but y'know.]

... Mm.

[It's just kind of painful when Crow is forcing it so obviously.]

You don't have to pretend to be okay, ever, not for me or anyone else. Honestly it's just going to worry me more if you smile like that. Obviously I don't have any of the answers for what to do about what you're dealing with, and I don't expect you to force yourself into facing any of it right now. But don't force yourself to act like you're fine, either. Awesome as you may be.

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