This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[filetofish]

[Nope nope touching is bad. He's waking up but he's already caught in a panic attack, a flashback, so being conscious doesn't make much difference. Reality isn't really registering, just that someone is touching him and he has to get away. He has to fight it. So he's shoving Rean's hand away, looking at him with wild eyes that don't recognise him at all.]

[awakenerd]

Crow! Snap out of it.

[He doesn't know if saying that will help at all, Crow obviously isn't seeing him or hearing him.]

[filetofish]

Get away from me!

[It doesn't matter that it's just Rean. He's not even seeing Rean. It's too hard to pull himself out of overwhelming terror -- he can't get past Rean without touching him, either, so instead he's backing himself into the corner and making himself small.]

[awakenerd]

Crow.

[He sits up, but doesn't try to get close to him, voice gentle and steady.]

Hey, it's me. You're safe.

[filetofish]

No.

[No he's not? Obviously he's not. There's no such thing as safe. Rean's gentle voice is helping, but Crow's shaking like a leaf, and once the world starts to make a little more sense he buries his face in his hands, unable to stop himself from a small, frightened noise. He hurts. Everything hurts, and he can't shake the sense that he's being watched. How can he possibly be safe?]

I shouldn't have come in here.

[awakenerd]

I'm glad you did. Crow... Hey, I'm right here. I'd rather be here with you than have you alone for this. Maybe that's selfish, but it's true.

[filetofish]

I want to be alone.

[He really does. Enough so that he's braving the fear of touch to try to crawl out of the bed, putting as much space between himself and Rean as he can. He wants to leave. He doesn't want Rean to look at him.]

[awakenerd]

[He doesn't know if he should let Crow leave and he's also sure he shouldn't make him stay. He scoots back to give Crow room.]

I can go get some tea if you want, for both of us.

[filetofish]

No thanks.

[He doesn't look at Rean. He's too humiliated by his own fear. He feels weak. Useless. But he doesn't want to be watched, so he's just going to slink off to his room and lock the door, unless Rean does something to stop him.]

[awakenerd]

[He definitely has the sense he shouldn't let Crow go, and so he tries again, before Crow can get out of his room.]

Crow wait, please.

[filetofish]

Why?

[Hey at least he's listening. He's tempted to ignore Rean and run off, but he stops, still leaning towards the door like he's ready to bolt.]

[awakenerd]

[What can he even say to convince him? He can only tell the truth.]

I just... Want you to stay. There isn't a grand reason or anything. I like you being here. I can sleep on the wall side, so you have more room.

[filetofish]

...

[He's quiet for a few beats, watching the wall rather than meet Rean's eyes. Rean's honest, but honesty for Crow would mean talking about how vulnerable he feels, and how frightened, and that's just too much.]

I really just want to be alone. I can't-- ...I just do.

[awakenerd]

I'm not going to force you to stay, I'm never going to. I'm not going to make you talk either. But it just... It feels like if you go that's wrong, like you're pulling back and I can't catch hold of you without hurting something. It scares me.

[filetofish]

Don't-- Don't talk like that.

[Rean always talks like that, but Crow can't handle it anymore. It just hurts. He wants to disappear -- not die, really, just go somewhere where no one will ask anything of him, or look at him, or see how much of himself he's losing. He feels like all his insides have been ripped out and he's utterly failing to put them back.]

I'm not going to another country. I'm just going to my room. I-- ...I don't want anyone watching me. It creeps me out.

[awakenerd]

[He can't help being himself?]

...Oh. Would it help if I turned my back? You can stay with me but I won't be really staring at you.

[filetofish]

...Maybe.

[He's torn. He wants to hole up, but he does, actually, like being close to Rean. Saying he doesn't would be a lie, and yet he's freaked out badly enough that he physically cannot force himself to move back to him. He's too afraid, and that's frustrating as hell.]

[awakenerd]

Okay.

[He's turning around, laying down on the side of the bed by the wall, back to Crow, facing the wall and hoping that he won't hear the door.]

I really would like it if you stay.

[filetofish]

That's not something you say to another guy.

[He's trying to act like normal Crow but it comes out a sad mumble. He does manage to make himself move though, slowly and cautiously creeping up to sit on the edge of the bed.]

[awakenerd]

[He wants so badly to turn around, but he makes himself stay still, looking only at the wall.]

I don't care.

[He really doesn't care if what he says sounds gay, maybe it is, not that he's thinking about that, it's just how he feels and he's going to say way he feels.]

Having you sleep next to me was really nice.

[filetofish]

...You're so damned clueless.

[Crow's laying back down though, nervously. He curls his fingers in the back of Rean's shirt and rests his forehead between his shoulderblades, breathing him in and willing himself not to cry.

He's failing, but at least it's more choked up than sobbing. He feels so ground down. Worthless. Dirty down below his skin, in a way that'll never be cleaned. But he adores Rean, so even if it feels selfish and even if he's scared, he'll do his best to let Rean coax him into closeness.]

[awakenerd]

[It's hard to misinterpret that, even for Rean, but he doesn't know what to say when his breath catches as Crow settles, because he feels like he's staying still for a very nervous bird and if he makes a sudden move it'll fly away forever.]

I... I don't want to be.

[He says carefully, heart hammering. He really doesn't want to be clueless, especially when it comes to Crow.]

[filetofish]

You always are.

[There are so many people whose feelings Rean has missed. Crow might be one of them, but he's not the first and he doesn't want Rean to waste any energy on Crow's feelings, so he's not going to confess that easily.]

[awakenerd]

I'll try to be more aware.

[He says is gently, because he's already getting aware of Crow's feelings, and he, personally, thinks they are the furthest from a waste of time, but also he doesn't know what to do with them in this messed up situation.]

[filetofish]

[Goddess Rean is such a softie. Crow tightens his fingers in Rean's shirt, wanting to do more but too afraid to.]

...I thought about you every day.

[It's hardly more than a whisper, but it's there. Rean doesn't want to be clueless, and Crow thinks it's pointless but he may as well say it.]

Not just there. Every day since October.