reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[It's nice. Crow can't fall asleep himself, but he does stay there quietly, lightly almost-dozing, til morning. And then he goes back to his usual reclusive ways. He feels guilty for not wanting to be around his friends, but he doesn't. It should feel nice, welcoming, happy, but all he feels is paranoid and exposed.

At least he has his room -- for the next week or so. By then the gathered evidence has been gone through, and Claire's had time to report to the few higher-ups she has. In an ideal world, that'd be the end of it. But it's not an ideal world. It's an ugly one, ruled by a man for whom Crow's survival is inconvenient, and who can't be seen to let anyone get away with crossing him so violently.

So one afternoon, officers arrive to arrest Crow. He's got some serious crimes to answer for, and serious ones to testify for as a victim. Although the latter is sort of a formality, or perhaps an extra way to control both Crow and Class VII. They're certainly not giving him any consideration as a victim, or as someone still injured. There's nothing Rean can do -- this is fair, due process. Does he really want to start another conflict?

Officers serve as a wall that Rean and the rest of Class VII would have to break through to stop it. All they can do is watch. And at first, Crow's handling that pretty well. He's visibly shaking when the handcuffs go on, but he just ducks his head and tries not to make it any harder on himself or on the people who care about him. But then they get out the door and the press is there. This shouldn't be remotely surprising given the significance of what he's being arrested for, but the sudden flash of cameras is all it takes for Crow to absolutely lose it.

He's not thinking when he tries to bolt back into the dorm. He just can't handle it, and he can handle even less being shoved and pulled on, so it escalates from quietly tense to a chaotic disaster in a matter of moments. Ultimately he has to be dragged forcibly into the armored car, hysterically struggling and screaming (don't touch me, don't look at me, go away, I'm sorry please stop--).

Rean's not allowed to go with. He's not even allowed to visit. He gets turned away if he tries. "The security risk is too high", they say. It's a delicate situation. A political case. He can read the paper and listen to the radio, though. Crow's a lot calmer in his subsequent appearances, but he doesn't look put together in photos. He looks like some kind of walking corpse. Like he's either heavily sedated or dead inside or both (it's both). Even if Rean shows up in person, Crow won't acknowledge if he sees him. He appears to have resigned himself to execution, and it also appears that's how things are going to go.

Except then suddenly halfway through his trial some "shocking evidence" is reported on in the newspaper. A report, supposedly verified by the military, painting Crow as the victim of some elaborate plot by those aspiring to take the throne. In a way that's not a lie, as Rean is one of the few who knows, but all the details are fabricated and twisted until all of Crow's own agency, all of his personal anger and the charisma with which he led, are gone. In their place is a falsified image of an abused child grown into a brainwashed young man -- and Crow never says a word against it. He just meekly goes along with it, "confirming" the speculation under oath, wrapping himself in the lie and letting the press and public opinion dismantle everything he's ever tried to make of himself.

The sadness in the photos then isn't feigned. The weariness is real. It's so easy for people who never met him to look at his pretty face and exhausted body language and decide he's an unfortunate tool of someone else's game.

The verdict is not guilty.

When the second case starts, that altered public image works in Crow's favor. He seems less drugged-up when he testifies there, so his voice is shaking and the photos show someone traumatized and terrified of the people he's speaking against. There's video, too. Leaks of video evidence and Crow's bizarre rising popularity come hand in hand with a spike in the promotion and usage of the orbal net. It's degrading -- both the tapes made by his tormentors and the ones made by the news, where he can't meet their eyes in the courtroom and has to be allowed to leave multiple times, when questions and recountings leave him shaking and crying and so utterly humiliated it can be felt right through the camera lens.

That verdict is guilty.

No one's really surprised in the end by Crow's public statement, declaring he'll be working with the imperial government to make Erebonia stronger and defeat other usurpers and blah blah blah blah. No one except people who actually know him, of course. To Rean, to everyone else he's friends with, it's a bizarre 180 from the Crow Armbrust they know. Something's going on behind the scenes, and they're not subject to any of it.

It's been three months by the time they next meet. It's May, and whether Class VII went their separate ways or went on into Year 2, they've been left to carry on with the mystery hanging over them. But one evening, while Rean's at home studying away, there's a knock at the door. When he opens it Crow's there, unaccompanied, dressed smartly and crisply and looking barely like himself. There's dark circles under his eyes, he's pale, and his face is completely emotionless.]

...Hi.

[He tried. He never actually stopped trying. From the day they took Crow away to the day Crow's public appearances stopped, Rean was there. They never let him near, and there was never a good opportunity to use Emma's help to brainwash their way to Crow. There was always too much security for her. No amount of influence from Machias or Jusis or Millium or pleading to Claire could get him to Crow's cell.

He'd even, in desperation, gone to his father. Once. Some way through the first trial. Then he'd been given the option, continue to unquestioningly fight for Erebonia and his friend the terrorist would be exonerated, or let matters continue...

He'd accepted the terms but even those had never involved getting to see or even talk to Crow. Still, the direction of the trial changed after that, though how quickly and skillfully it did often made Rean wonder if it hadn't been planned to anyway.

It didn't matter. He was busy fighting on the front lines or waiting outside the courthouse when he wasn't in class. The rest of them had scattered to their own lives, though when he was in Heimdallr Machias or Elliot would come wait outside the courthouse with him. Machias would try to distract him with pop quizzes on study materials and Elliot would talk about friends and music but the tense awareness was always on Crow and how every appearance in the media was worse.

By the time May rolls around Rean's run himself ragged between school and attempts to get to Crow and the military.

So when Crow shows up unannounced he actually knocks over his chair leaping to his feet in shock.]

Crow...?

Can I come in?

[It's barely there, but Crow definitely flinches when the chair goes over. He's otherwise still though, unnaturally so, as if all the life's been drained right out of him and it's just an empty shell standing here. His gaze is lowered to a spot on the wall somewhere in the vicinity of Rean's knees, enough to look submissive without cowering, and his voice is soft and devoid of all the lively cheer or anger or pride it used to have.]

[His gut twists and his heart feels like it's wrenching right out of his chest.]

Yeah. You don't need to ask.

[Can Crow? He wants to hold Crow and never let him go, it's difficult not to grab him and aggressively drag him into his arms right now.]

Okay.

[He only moves when Rean gives permission. Then he walks in, back straight and graceful and yet somehow looking like a dog slinking close to the floor. He sits, stiffly, on the edge of Rean's bed, quiet and polite and completely wrong.]

I'm fine.

[He answers before Rean can ask, in an almost robotic voice, like he's reciting a script. Everything about him is too controlled, except the fingers of his right hand twitching against the blanket, subtly pinching it between his fingertips like the texture is grounding.]

I'm sorry I worried you. You were there, weren't you?

[He stands for a few beats, just watching Crow, watching how wrong he looks like this, how fucked up he obviously is.

He picks up the chair and rights it carefully, only to give himself a few more seconds to think, for his heart to break and for his self hatred to burn bright and be buried under everything else in the space between bending down to retrieve the chair and setting it back upright.

He steps towards Crow after that, walks up to him and stops, kneeling in front of him instead of towering over him. He doesn't bother with the door that's open to an empty dorm--not even Sara is in her room, having gone back to the Guild, the building is just the two of them anyway.

Carefully, testing, he puts a hand on Crow's knee while he looks steadily up at his face.]

Never apologize to me again. I'm the one who failed you.

[Even with Rean so close, Crow won't meet his eyes. He finds somewhere else to look, like eye contact is going to hurt him somehow. He doesn't otherwise move, either. There's another subtle flinch, a little curl of his fingertips, but nothing else.]

Okay.

[He's got nothing useful to say. Not that he doesn't want to talk. If he didn't, he wouldn't have come here. But he's had a few hard months, and even from the outside it looks like the real Crow is locked up somewhere, unable to escape except through those tiny gestures.]

You couldn't have changed anything.

[Are those human words? Hmm.]

It's fine. I'm alive.

....Crow. What happened?

[He wasn't there. He couldn't protect him again. Again. And he will hate himself for his entire life for being a failure to Crow not once or twice but constantly for months.

But he hasn't got time to hate himself properly so it's just, filed away, and his focus is on Crow entirely.]

...

[Hmm. That's a hard question. He doesn't think he can answer without breaking his mask and the mask is important. Buuut he really wants to tell. He wants there to be someone, just one person, that he can talk to.

Ultimately he ends up somewhere in the middle: a slight humourless smile and a hint of real inflection.]

Obviously, I've reformed.

...Reformed? What the hell?

I'm free as long as I follow the rules. It's easier that way.

[He's trying, but some bitterness is leaking. He's still Crow, after all, he's just been forced into a different mould.]

Didn't you always want me to be a good person?

You always were a good person!

...I never was.

[Oh Aidios how does a guy pretend to be a good doll when he's so sad he wants to rip his own heart out and stomp on it??

The answer is he doesn't. He's still reading his script, but there's a fevered sort of desperation uncoiling from behind the wall and dying those tailored lines black with fear.]

That's why I have to be one now. Bad people get punished.

No!

[He takes one of Crow's hands, not the one int he sheets but he has to hold onto something more than Crow's knee and he doesn't trust yet that hugging Crow wouldn't just be hideously traumatizing.]

Crow! Whatever the hell they did, that's not how I think of you, this isn't--you're madder than this. You're not a conformist, you don't listen to anyone, not even me. But if you're going to just listen to what anyone tells you than I should be the one you listen to! Because you are a good person, and I love you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there, but even if it's horrible and you don't forgive me for it I'm glad you're alive.

[For a moment Crow freezes completely, staring at Rean's hands on his. The words are hardly registering. It takes effort to concentrate on them, but after a bit he looks up, puzzled but finally looking at Rean's face.]

There's nothing to forgive you for...

Isn't there? I didn't stop them when they came for you, I didn't get you back by any means. If you'd been me you'd have blasted your way through the guards and blown the place to hell. I was good and look what the hell they did to you!

[He's the angriest he can ever remember being without actually losing control of himself. What did bargaining earn? This hollow, tortured person is barely Crow. He should have broken the goddess damned law and done things Crow's way, whatever kind of criminal that would have made him. Leaving Crow to Osborne's discretion was the wrong call, it's too obvious now.]

[Oh no here come the emotions. Hearing Rean so upset on his behalf is both gratifying and immensely shameful. Thinking of himself as being acted on that way is also real upsetting, since it's true. But mostly it's the thought of Rean doing bad things that makes Crow's chest tighten and his voice go wobbly.]

But...

[He looks down at their hands again, squeezing Rean's lightly.]

I always admired that "good" you.

[He wants to cry... No he's definitely going to cry. There's no way to stop the tears now, and his grip on Crow's hand is too tight.

Being good is all he knows how to be. Even thinking right now that he should have done anything to rescue Crow, he wouldn't know how he would have managed it. He still wishes he had, somehow. And he can't help but think his goodness has to be cowardice, because wouldn't he otherwise do anything to protect a friend? He can't see his own innate lawfulness in a good light, can't understand his own better qualities when he's failed so utterly to do anything meaningful for Crow.

And yet Crow doesn't want his guilt so he swallows that sharply.]

Sorry. What I didn't do doesn't matter now I guess.

What can I do now? If you're here does that mean they're letting you go? Are you free now?

[He nods, trying to match Rean's grip but failing, because hes trembling with exhaustion and emotion and going on five months of slow physical deterioration. He's so tired. Everything hurts.]

I can do what I want. Just be obedient...

[Goddess he's miserable. All his words feel wrong and taste bad in his mouth.]

Can I ask a favor?

[He tries but kind of fails to loosen his own grip. If he lets go and somehow Crow disappears again this time for good.]

Y-yeah. What is it?

...Tell me who I am.

[He's not sure he remembers. He's too full of fear to see himself clearly, right now. He's been lying too much for his own safety.]

You're Crow. Crow Armbrust. You're frustrating and enigmatic and confusing. You like Blade and gambling and helping people out and sleeping in class. You're lazy in front of people and motivated where no one notices. Everyone in Trista loves you. You're a terrorist and a rebel and a leader and an Awakener and most importantly you're a member of Class VII.

[He does not get through that without starting to sob. He continues talking though, even while crying, and all of it comes out remarkably clearly.]

You're the stubborn, infuriating, kind, strong. You push me to my limits but comfort me when I'm down. You're too good an actor to be an honest guy and too good a person to be a terrorist. And I love you with all my heart.

[Rean is crying and Crow wants to cry too. He hates this. He hates himself so much it's strange to think that he was a confident person just last year. He used to be so sure of himself. He used to press on towards his goals incessantly. Now, though, the person Rean describes sounds almost like a stranger.

He squeezes Rean's hand tighter and tighter, his voice totally choked when he responds. His feelings want out but he's been brutally conditioned not to let them.]

Please don't forget that.

[His identity is being wiped away, so Crow needs someone to remember who he used to be.]

Even if they replace me. I loved you, too. So don't forget me.

I'm not--you--

[For once he's genuinely incoherent. He can't form the words, and instead he leans up, cupping Crow's cheek and dragging him down so their foreheads touch and Crow will have to try really hard to not meet his eyes.]

Whatever they did to you I know you're still in there. I love you. I'm not going to forget the you I've known and I'm not going to look away from you now.

[He wants to shake his head but Rean's hands are there, so instead he bites his lip and does in fact do his best to avert his eyes.]

It's not just that.

[He knows he's still in here, too. It's just that his history is being rewritten so thoroughly... And, more importantly, while he was gone he was shown something especially unsettling.]

They'll seriously replace me, if I fuck up. I'll be killed, and they'll put an obedient copy in my place. I already saw it's possible.

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