This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

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[filetofish]

["But you haven't yet", says Rean. And yet as soon as his voice raises Crow totally deflates. It's not even yelling. Rean's not truly angry. But conflict is scary and Crow can't handle it.]

...Okay.

[He hates this so much. He hates himself so much.]

[awakenerd]

[Well that way they're alike. But self-loathing isn't going to protect Crow from his father and so Rean eases immediately, touch never not gentle, but it gets gentler.]

Okay. Just... Just rest for now and I'll start figuring it out in the morning, okay?

[filetofish]

Mm.

[Sure that's fine. Crow's just going to flop over right here, regardless of Rean touching him or the face that he hasn't even taken his shoes off.]

[awakenerd]

[Okay well he's going to sit on the bed next to Crow.]

....I'm glad you're here.

[filetofish]

...Yeah.

[He's not though. He's upset that he's going to make Rean's life harder. He's upset that he can't do the things he used to. He feels like a waste. There's nothing to look forward to. If it weren't for the threat of replacement he'd absolutely try to die. But, y'know, replacement, so he's just rolling over with his back to Rean and becoming a listless puddle.]

[awakenerd]

[He's kicking off his own shoes and then flopping in bed next to Crow, turned to face Crow's back, lifting a hand to stroke Crow's hair because Crow is real and here and he wants to start crying again just out of relief and pain at everything he couldn't stop.]

[filetofish]

[Crow's exhausted but he won't sleep. It's taking all his effort not to show how uncomfortable he actually is right now, and he's got way too much on his mind.

He pretends to fall asleep fast, though. He doesn't want to talk. They can fight in the morning.]

[awakenerd]

[He doesn't touch Crow long, and he can tell he's faking sleep. But he leaves him be to rest, close by and unable to sleep himself. Instead he talks to Valimar a while, silently, figuring out what to do in case of various situations until it's late enough he drifts off.]

[filetofish]

[Crow spends some time watching Rean sleep. It's hard not to throw himself on him, but he's already told himself no.

He's also spent the night thinking about what he and Rean are going to do from now, and he's more than a little uncomfortable with the idea of letting Rean take over the work Crow is supposed to be doing. He can't pretend he doesn't want to be safe, that he isn't charmed by Rean wanting to protect him, but he has his own pride, too. Crow doesn't want his own weakness to get Rean hurt.

Hell, he doesn't want it to hurt him, either. Sitting still sounds nice in some ways but Crow knows he'll only hate himself more if he lets a little thing like fear stop him. People go through a lot worse, right? ...Well, maybe he can't call his own pain ordinary anymore, but he still doesn't want to give in to it. He'd forgotten that a little, but being around Rean puts some spark back in.

Very early, before Rean's ready to be awake, Crow slips out of bed as silently as possible. He doesn't leave, but he does grab some fresh clothes and things and head off for a shower. After that, he rummages some snacks from the kitchen (it's so bare without Sharon) and sits to make a phone call. When Rean wakes up, Crow can be found leaning back in the dorm lobby, grouching quietly at whoever's on the other line.]

Yes. I know. I will, just-- Can I talk to someone else? I haven't forgiven you yet.

[awakenerd]

[He wakes up a little when Crow gets up but the sound of the shower puts him back to sleep for a few more minutes, until he rouses himself at his normal way too early hour and wanders downstairs in his pjs. He's gotten used to having the dorms to himself, not needing to get properly dressed before leaving his room, so he sits across from Crow in the lounge, waiting for him to finish.]

[filetofish]

[Crow frowns when Rean sits. What kind of timing is this? But he can't just hang up, so instead he growls at the faintly audible but unidentifiable voice:]

Say that louder so Rean can hear you.

[The pause after that is... long. Then the voice changes and Crow's grumpiness evaporates into a disturbed kind of blankness.]

Yes, I did. [...] I understand. [...] ...I won't. Thank you.

[He hangs up, lowering his arcus and staring at it looking kind of shell shocked before lifting his head to smile cheerfully at Rean.]

So! Good morning!

[awakenerd]

...What was that about?

[He wishes he had Celine's hearing right now because not knowing who was talking or what they were saying is a little maddening, especially when Crow's expressions change so much.]

[filetofish]

I put in my two weeks notice.

[Hahaha.]

Did you sleep well? Your sleeping face was super cute.

[awakenerd]

Crow, what was that really about?

[filetofish]

Like I said. I called and told them I quit. You weren't going to let me go back tomorrow anyway, right? So I told the truth.

[It's only half a lie. He did tell the truth, it's just all the trapping surrounding it.

He was downright zombified last night, but now Crow's acting like himself. It's almost normal, except that his hands keep shaking and all his movements are a little jerky and his voice slightly manic. He's smiling but it's not hard to tell, for someone as close as Rean, that it's a paper-thin veneer over a profound kind of panic.]

[awakenerd]

Crow.

[He's getting up, walking across to lean over Crow on the couch, taking one of his hands.]

Tell me the truth, at least.

[filetofish]

...

[With Rean that close, Crow's smile freezes in place. He's too scared and guilty to stop smiling but also too scared and guilty to keep at it when Rean asks so honestly. He holds that pose for a moment, not breathing, then looks away, bright fake smile fading into a soft and bitter one.]

They said they're happy to talk to you about it. I can stay here if that's what I really want. I'm not lying about that.

[awakenerd]

And?

[Because there's more, obviously, and he's waiting for Crow to finish telling him what it is. Because if it were really just Crow quitting he wouldn't be this shady about it.]

[filetofish]

Ah... Well, y'know. One of the guys in that office is someone I used to work with. I'm still pretty pissed off about it, so it's hard to just chat. But he said I need to warn you what you're getting into. Do you think you can really handle it? You'll have to kill innocent civillians.

[That also isn't a lie. He really did talk about that, and he really is mad at someone, and it's easier to address this than the cruel and terrifying things other people said on that call.]

[awakenerd]

Crow, please just tell me all of it.

[He isn't impatient, exactly, but it's hard to try pulling this from Crow a bit at a time. And it's... Stressful to think about Crow having to be this scared, let alone what he'll have to do himself in the future. He'd rather focus on Crow.]

[filetofish]

That's all that's important.

[All he wants to talk about, anyway.]

The rest was just... reminders.

[awakenerd]

Crow.... All of it's important. Tell me.

[filetofish]

Why?

[Rean keeps saying his name and for some reason it's really distressing right now. Maybe because Crow feels so unlike himself. He feels like dirt.

In fact, he feels so dirty and so fucked up that looking at Rean holding his hand, he can only imagine that the unwashable filth all over him is going to stain Rean's skin. He pulls his hand free in response, and fixes his gaze on the floor.]

Maybe I don't want to repeat every mean thing someone says about me.

[awakenerd]

[He sits next to Crow then, plopping himself on the couch and turning to face him, one leg pulled up under himself.]

I'm worried about you and kind of freaked out right now, that's why. Even knowing you're talking to them at all has me panicking, it's not like they're just letting you go that easily, right?

[filetofish]

...They are. You're worth a hundred times more than me.

[He sounds so calm, saying it. His tone is like last night-- so afraid and self-loathing it's gone lifeless.]

They just told me to remember what I am, before I let you do it.

[He knows Rean's going to keep asking so he continues, even though he doesn't want to at all. Rean's just going to tell him he's wrong and that'll hurt like hell.]

I'm a horrible person, you know. I should be dead. I can't ever be punished enough. Those people you saved me from... They weren't wrong. I'm only alive because I could be useful-- Ah, but I won't be, actually. I was a waste of time. So they'll let me go, if I can't even endure it for your sake, after I...

[After he cried for Rean so much, when he was being hurt. After caving and letting himself be hurt even more just for the chance to see him again... But that part he chokes on.]

Whatever. I can stay here, but you can only protect me so much, and they're not going to stop anyone from taking me out like I should've been ages ago.

That's what they said. I told you, now leave it alone.