reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

Crow.... All of it's important. Tell me.

Why?

[Rean keeps saying his name and for some reason it's really distressing right now. Maybe because Crow feels so unlike himself. He feels like dirt.

In fact, he feels so dirty and so fucked up that looking at Rean holding his hand, he can only imagine that the unwashable filth all over him is going to stain Rean's skin. He pulls his hand free in response, and fixes his gaze on the floor.]

Maybe I don't want to repeat every mean thing someone says about me.

[He sits next to Crow then, plopping himself on the couch and turning to face him, one leg pulled up under himself.]

I'm worried about you and kind of freaked out right now, that's why. Even knowing you're talking to them at all has me panicking, it's not like they're just letting you go that easily, right?

...They are. You're worth a hundred times more than me.

[He sounds so calm, saying it. His tone is like last night-- so afraid and self-loathing it's gone lifeless.]

They just told me to remember what I am, before I let you do it.

[He knows Rean's going to keep asking so he continues, even though he doesn't want to at all. Rean's just going to tell him he's wrong and that'll hurt like hell.]

I'm a horrible person, you know. I should be dead. I can't ever be punished enough. Those people you saved me from... They weren't wrong. I'm only alive because I could be useful-- Ah, but I won't be, actually. I was a waste of time. So they'll let me go, if I can't even endure it for your sake, after I...

[After he cried for Rean so much, when he was being hurt. After caving and letting himself be hurt even more just for the chance to see him again... But that part he chokes on.]

Whatever. I can stay here, but you can only protect me so much, and they're not going to stop anyone from taking me out like I should've been ages ago.

That's what they said. I told you, now leave it alone.

...

[He hates every sentence out of Crow's mouth with a passion, and he ends up reaching for Crow, to hold his hand again if Crow lets him. He wants more. He wants to hold him, but Crow looks ready to bolt in self-loathing so he doesn't know what to do.]

Okay. Well I'm not going to just take this without negotiating for myself a bit too.

[Part of that is going to be trying to get Millium or Altina to watch Crow, the rest is going to be to get Ordine. That they'll let him replace Crow as an operative is a huge relief to Rean, but he's not going to meekly not try to get some concessions. If he's going to be doing Osborne's dirty work now, he's going to make his father pay him as dearly for it as he can.]

But... I'm glad, that they're letting you go. I'll try to get Ordine back.

What will you do now?

Die.

[He jerks his hand away, leaning out of Rean's space as much as he can. He knows Rean wouldn't let him even if Crow wasn't too afraid of being replaced to follow through, but he wants to die pretty intensely.]

...I wish I hadn't come here.

What the hell kind of answer is that?

Don't lecture me. I already know you won't let me.

[He wants to sound like he's joking but he just sounds defeated.]

I love you you idiot, so of course I'm going to be pissed if you say things like that.

...What a brat.

[Rean just doesn't understand. Crow wishes he could explain it properly, but the words just don't want to come out right.]

Getting mad at me for wanting to die while you're asking me to sit and watch you sacrifice yourself for scraps. It's stupid.

I'm not going to let you decide what you're worth on your own.

What pisses me off is you calling yourself scraps. I should have stormed the intelligence division myself before I let them keep you, Crow. I can't make up for failing you repeatedly but I can keep you safe right now.

Maybe you don't feel worth it, but yesterday you asked me to tell you who you were. They've hurt you beyond anything I can comprehend, but to me that doesn't change a single reason to care about you.

...You really don't understand anything.

[And Crow doesn't know how to explain. So he's just getting up and walking away from Rean, because that's clearly how to handle this.]

[Well he's getting up too, following.]

If I don't understand than explain instead of just walking away from me!

[He's been doing a good job of being pissy and bratty instead of pathetic and scared so far today! But the instant Rean follows him with his voice raised, Crow goes sheet-pale, changing from a dismissive withdrawal to a startled retreat.

It's just Rean, he tells himself. But he's got five months of conditioning at this point and no matter how hard he tries to be in control of himself it all crumbles at a touch.

But that makes him angry, too. It's himself he's mad at, but it's Rean who's in front of him so it's Rean he's going to yell at. He's like a frightened cat, puffing up to look bigger even as he's backing himself up against the wall just from that tiny bit of aggressive movement from Rean.]

Why is this something I have to explain?! You can't protect me if you won't even think about how I feel about it! What do you think I'm going to do while you're out there? Sit and relax?! I told their stupid lies for you. I let them hurt me so I could see you! Why the hell would you think I'd want you to get your hands bloody when I'm already soaked in it?!

[Oh.

Well that makes him. Stop. And stare at Crow because he never really considered that way. He's not stupid he's just... He's Rean. And while he'd charge into danger without a thought to save Crow it really doesn't occur to him that it's something that upsets Crow.

He's been told before that it's... Arrogant, but there's a difference between arrogance and actively hurting someone he only wants to shield from harm.]

...Then what am I supposed to do? If I can't protect you this way, how am I supposed to keep you safe?

I understand what you're saying Crow, but I can't be okay with you going back because I feel the same way! I can't stand the idea of letting you be hurt for another minute! I can't deal with being helpless.

I already can't be fixed.

[He doesn't want Rean to be sad, but it is what it is. This is why he shouldn't have come here. It should have been enough to see him from a distance, but he just had to get close one more time.]

It's too late to help me, so just do your job and let me do mine.

...That's one thing I can't do. If you don't want to stay here I'm not going to make you. I'll get you Ordine back, and the freedom to leave Erebonia if that's what you want, but you're not going back to be in anyone's power, not Osborne's, not mine. Just... Give me a few days to get you Ordine.

It's just a job, Rean.

[Probably not a convincing thing to say when he's freaking out so much about Rean doing it but hey.]

They're not going to lock me up. Like I said yesterday, I can do what I want if I follow the rules. It's not that I'm not allowed to be around you, I just... didn't want to get my mess all over you. So I was only going to see you this once. But, honestly, I'd feel better if they did lock me up.

No one is locking anyone up and you're not going back to this "just a job".

If you stayed I'd... Be really happy. I'm just saying you don't have to, either. I'm going to get my way so you don't have to do anything. You can do what you want.

[Barring misbehaving, but that shouldn't need spelling out.]

Just... Trust me. I'll manage.

...No.

[He's so tired and this conversation is going in circles so fast it's making him dizzy. Really dizzy. Or maybe that's the whole horribly mistreated body thing. It's a mystery.]

If I can really do what I want, then don't tell me what to do in the same breath.

...Fine. Then I'll figure out what to do and you can change your mind about it when you're doing better.

I'm going to make breakfast, and then I need to head to the capital to talk to people. Don't... Go anywhere, okay?

[It's clear he's not going to win this one. Crow could leave and go back on his own right now and it still wouldn't stop Rean.

He wants to scream. There's so much he could say, that he wants to say, but it feels useless, so he keeps it to himself.]

...Okay.

[He's deflated again. He wants to keep arguing but he's tired, and in pain (he'll never not be, now), and too afraid of everything to do so effectively. He can't argue that he can handle himself when it took all his mental strength to travel here without melting down from being in public. He hasn't even told Rean that and he's already beaten, so... So. He fucked up, and now he's just going to retreat to his room so he can cry without Rean seeing it.

He feels so weak. He hates it. He wants to die.]

[He makes breakfast, bringing up a tray and leaving it by Crow's door before getting dressed himself. He calls Valimar to come watch the dorm, for Crow's safety, then heads out.

On the train he calls Jusis and they talk for a little while.

His discussion with he intelligence division is easier than he hoped. His agreement to any job and to play up the war hero he's been declining, along with agreeing that Crow's his responsibility and the assurance that the acting lord of kreuzen province is willing to help look after Crow, earns him Ordine's release, scheduled up be delivered to Bareahard by the end of the week. He has that long to get his things in order too, before his first mission briefing.

It's actually still mid afternoon by the time he's back, bringing in food from the cafe and knocking on Crow's door.]

[The knock makes him jump, but at least Rean can't see it. Crow is determined to hide as much as he can, so Rean won't feel the need to make any more dumb decisions for his sake.

He's visibly tired answering the door, though, and he hasn't touched the breakfast Rean left. He ate a little junk food this morning and that's clearly enough.]

...Welcome back.

Thanks. Mind if I come in?

[He's so worried but if he doesn't treat Crow a little normal than isn't that just worse? He holds the package up, it smells appetizing, or it should. ]

I'm pretty hungry. You?

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