reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

No!

[He takes one of Crow's hands, not the one int he sheets but he has to hold onto something more than Crow's knee and he doesn't trust yet that hugging Crow wouldn't just be hideously traumatizing.]

Crow! Whatever the hell they did, that's not how I think of you, this isn't--you're madder than this. You're not a conformist, you don't listen to anyone, not even me. But if you're going to just listen to what anyone tells you than I should be the one you listen to! Because you are a good person, and I love you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there, but even if it's horrible and you don't forgive me for it I'm glad you're alive.

[For a moment Crow freezes completely, staring at Rean's hands on his. The words are hardly registering. It takes effort to concentrate on them, but after a bit he looks up, puzzled but finally looking at Rean's face.]

There's nothing to forgive you for...

Isn't there? I didn't stop them when they came for you, I didn't get you back by any means. If you'd been me you'd have blasted your way through the guards and blown the place to hell. I was good and look what the hell they did to you!

[He's the angriest he can ever remember being without actually losing control of himself. What did bargaining earn? This hollow, tortured person is barely Crow. He should have broken the goddess damned law and done things Crow's way, whatever kind of criminal that would have made him. Leaving Crow to Osborne's discretion was the wrong call, it's too obvious now.]

[Oh no here come the emotions. Hearing Rean so upset on his behalf is both gratifying and immensely shameful. Thinking of himself as being acted on that way is also real upsetting, since it's true. But mostly it's the thought of Rean doing bad things that makes Crow's chest tighten and his voice go wobbly.]

But...

[He looks down at their hands again, squeezing Rean's lightly.]

I always admired that "good" you.

[He wants to cry... No he's definitely going to cry. There's no way to stop the tears now, and his grip on Crow's hand is too tight.

Being good is all he knows how to be. Even thinking right now that he should have done anything to rescue Crow, he wouldn't know how he would have managed it. He still wishes he had, somehow. And he can't help but think his goodness has to be cowardice, because wouldn't he otherwise do anything to protect a friend? He can't see his own innate lawfulness in a good light, can't understand his own better qualities when he's failed so utterly to do anything meaningful for Crow.

And yet Crow doesn't want his guilt so he swallows that sharply.]

Sorry. What I didn't do doesn't matter now I guess.

What can I do now? If you're here does that mean they're letting you go? Are you free now?

[He nods, trying to match Rean's grip but failing, because hes trembling with exhaustion and emotion and going on five months of slow physical deterioration. He's so tired. Everything hurts.]

I can do what I want. Just be obedient...

[Goddess he's miserable. All his words feel wrong and taste bad in his mouth.]

Can I ask a favor?

[He tries but kind of fails to loosen his own grip. If he lets go and somehow Crow disappears again this time for good.]

Y-yeah. What is it?

...Tell me who I am.

[He's not sure he remembers. He's too full of fear to see himself clearly, right now. He's been lying too much for his own safety.]

You're Crow. Crow Armbrust. You're frustrating and enigmatic and confusing. You like Blade and gambling and helping people out and sleeping in class. You're lazy in front of people and motivated where no one notices. Everyone in Trista loves you. You're a terrorist and a rebel and a leader and an Awakener and most importantly you're a member of Class VII.

[He does not get through that without starting to sob. He continues talking though, even while crying, and all of it comes out remarkably clearly.]

You're the stubborn, infuriating, kind, strong. You push me to my limits but comfort me when I'm down. You're too good an actor to be an honest guy and too good a person to be a terrorist. And I love you with all my heart.

[Rean is crying and Crow wants to cry too. He hates this. He hates himself so much it's strange to think that he was a confident person just last year. He used to be so sure of himself. He used to press on towards his goals incessantly. Now, though, the person Rean describes sounds almost like a stranger.

He squeezes Rean's hand tighter and tighter, his voice totally choked when he responds. His feelings want out but he's been brutally conditioned not to let them.]

Please don't forget that.

[His identity is being wiped away, so Crow needs someone to remember who he used to be.]

Even if they replace me. I loved you, too. So don't forget me.

I'm not--you--

[For once he's genuinely incoherent. He can't form the words, and instead he leans up, cupping Crow's cheek and dragging him down so their foreheads touch and Crow will have to try really hard to not meet his eyes.]

Whatever they did to you I know you're still in there. I love you. I'm not going to forget the you I've known and I'm not going to look away from you now.

[He wants to shake his head but Rean's hands are there, so instead he bites his lip and does in fact do his best to avert his eyes.]

It's not just that.

[He knows he's still in here, too. It's just that his history is being rewritten so thoroughly... And, more importantly, while he was gone he was shown something especially unsettling.]

They'll seriously replace me, if I fuck up. I'll be killed, and they'll put an obedient copy in my place. I already saw it's possible.

...What?

[That sounds outlandish and Rean's you know, the pilot of a psychic sentient robot so he doesn't disbelieve things anymore, it's just hard to comprehend those words.]

I'm not supposed to tell you anything...

[What if he's being tracked?? What if they can hear everything he's saying right now? He already checked himself for bugs, but he's so fucked up that absolutely nothing can make him stop feeling watched.]

Shit. I hate this.

You can't say that much and not... Elaborate.

They could be watching...

[He wants to tell. He wants to tell Rean everything that's happened these last three months, and let all his feelings out. He wants to scream and cry and get angry. But he's too afraid. Too paranoid. And yet he doesn't want to pull away from Rean's hands at all.]

Is there anywhere it would be safe to talk to me?

No. There's no such thing as safe.

[He was already freaking out about being watched before he was arrested, but now it's so much worse. Crow knows it looks bad. He hates feeling crazy and scared and weak. But he can't help it. He wishes he could just die, but he's afraid to even do that when he knows he'll be replaced by a copy that might do something awful to Rean.

He's not pulling away, but his free hand has ceased to play with the blanket and is now hugging himself, fingernails clawing ruthlessly into his own arm. He feels like he's wrestling with a giant serpent coiled around him, but the only monster is his own fear.]

Crow. Crow hey.

[He's taking Crow's hand, standing up between his legs to pull Crow against his chest and holding him.]

I don't know what happened but I'm not letting anyone take you again. I swear.

[He needs that hug. He needs a lot of them, but on the other hand it's a restraint and he has the urge to scream and struggle. He doesn't, though. He just freezes up, tense and not returning it.

Why is he like this? He should be strong enough to take care of himself. No one should ever have to protect him, and he shouldn't just let anybody do things to him without his consent. And yet here he is, banging on the walls of his own mind, frustrated and scared and desperately wanting to be tucked away somewhere where nothing can hurt him anymore.]

Rean--

[Ah. There's something about saying Rean's name that causes reality to actually set in. Rean is here. Crow's not trapped right now, and if he calls Rean's name he'll be heard. That alone is a huge relief, and the wave of emotion slams into him with such force that it knocks the breath out of him.]

Rean... Rean.

[Repeating it kind of helps? It doesn't stop him from finally bursting into tears, though, and clinging as hard as he can.]

Fuck. I really missed you!

[He holds Crow tight, burying his face in Crow's hair and breathing deeply, shaking a little with emotion but remaining solid and warm and real and holding Crow just like this.]

I'm here. I'm here and I missed you so much. I'm [he inhales sharply.] sorry. I'm so sorry.

[He's choked up, holding Crow as close to him as he can without actually crushing him, and it doesn't seem close enough.]

It's not your fault.

[He's barely audible, he's pressing his face so hard against Rean's chest. It's kind of difficult to breathe but that's fine. He'll just sit here and slowly suffocate while crying.]

I'm the one who fucked up.

You didn't. You didn't okay? You're here and I'm here and... And I'm so glad you're here.

[He doesn't want to apologize again, even if Crow being like this is because he's powerless and didn't do enough.]

I'm not letting go until you tell me to.

I don't want you to let go.

[Like, ever. Even though being held is scary, he does feel at least a tiny bit safer in Rean's arms, so he can't imagine giving that up.

It is definitely his fuck-up, though. He doesn't want to argue with Rean, but he's been made aware in no uncertain terms by many different people over the last half a year that he's a bad person who's done unforgivable things and should be twenty-times dead by now. He can't not believe it anymore.]

...You promise you won't let me go back.

[Because he's defintely always being watched, but he also has enough faith in Rean that if he says he'll protect him, Crow will at least try to believe that it's okay to break the rules and open up.]

I promise. I swear I won't let anyone take you again.

[He means it. He's done with letting Crow get taken from his sight and then horribly, hideously traumatized outside of his control. He's really, really done with that.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Valimar acknowledges his readiness to fight even the police or military if they come for Crow, and it's comforting to know they're together on this. That he and Valimar, at least, have Crow's back.]

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suddenly realising my time math was off and it should be like July at least oops

it's totally july