This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[filetofish]

[They were soft, gentle mumbles. But then he shifts again, pulling Rean closer, and snickers against his chest.]

Hehe... it's soft.

[You're stuck with this Rean.]

[awakenerd]

[Save him.

But he doesn't want to wake Crow when he seems to be having good dreams so he just pulls the pillow off his face and stares at the ceiling, absently brushing his fingers through the wisps of Crow's hair.]

[filetofish]

[That feels nice when, y'know, he's too asleep to actually register it and let it turn into something terrible. Deep in his dreams he's happy right now, teasing Rean in a fantasy where they're more than friends, where nothing hurts and nothing is frightening and he doesn't choke on the things he really wants to say.

But then he moves wrong, rolling further onto Rean, and the pain from cracked ribs steals his breath. It doesn't quite wake him up -- spoilers, he's in enough pain all the time that he's sleeping through it from pure exhaustion he still hasn't recovered from -- but it's enough to shatter his happy dream like glass. In the dream he's looking down to see blood pouring from a wound he just knows is going to kill him, and when he looks for Rean he's gone fuzzy, with his back turned. Suddenly Crow's being dragged away from him, and no amount of calling after him gets Rean to turn back -- to notice him at all, while he's being pulled by anonymous hands into a pool of water that burns.

Right, everything is terrible after all. He's alone, and everything hurts, and someone he can't see is pushing him down--

Externally his smile fades, replaced by a troubled expression and a lot more active squirming. In maybe twenty seconds he goes from content to distressed, a small whine the only warning before he's shoving Rean away from him with frantic force. It's enough movement to wake him up but only partly -- he's half stuck in the nightmare, and Rean's the only physical presence, so Crow's trying to get away from him as if he's a threat. The issue is he's between Rean and the wall so his terror is skyrocketing a lot faster than his actual consciousness.]

[awakenerd]

[He doesn't know what to do, it's so fast. He touches Crow's shoulder, shaking gently, voice raised and firm, trying to sound grounding rather than anxious.]

Crow. Hey. Wake up. It's a bad dream.

[filetofish]

[Nope nope touching is bad. He's waking up but he's already caught in a panic attack, a flashback, so being conscious doesn't make much difference. Reality isn't really registering, just that someone is touching him and he has to get away. He has to fight it. So he's shoving Rean's hand away, looking at him with wild eyes that don't recognise him at all.]

[awakenerd]

Crow! Snap out of it.

[He doesn't know if saying that will help at all, Crow obviously isn't seeing him or hearing him.]

[filetofish]

Get away from me!

[It doesn't matter that it's just Rean. He's not even seeing Rean. It's too hard to pull himself out of overwhelming terror -- he can't get past Rean without touching him, either, so instead he's backing himself into the corner and making himself small.]

[awakenerd]

Crow.

[He sits up, but doesn't try to get close to him, voice gentle and steady.]

Hey, it's me. You're safe.

[filetofish]

No.

[No he's not? Obviously he's not. There's no such thing as safe. Rean's gentle voice is helping, but Crow's shaking like a leaf, and once the world starts to make a little more sense he buries his face in his hands, unable to stop himself from a small, frightened noise. He hurts. Everything hurts, and he can't shake the sense that he's being watched. How can he possibly be safe?]

I shouldn't have come in here.

[awakenerd]

I'm glad you did. Crow... Hey, I'm right here. I'd rather be here with you than have you alone for this. Maybe that's selfish, but it's true.

[filetofish]

I want to be alone.

[He really does. Enough so that he's braving the fear of touch to try to crawl out of the bed, putting as much space between himself and Rean as he can. He wants to leave. He doesn't want Rean to look at him.]

[awakenerd]

[He doesn't know if he should let Crow leave and he's also sure he shouldn't make him stay. He scoots back to give Crow room.]

I can go get some tea if you want, for both of us.

[filetofish]

No thanks.

[He doesn't look at Rean. He's too humiliated by his own fear. He feels weak. Useless. But he doesn't want to be watched, so he's just going to slink off to his room and lock the door, unless Rean does something to stop him.]

[awakenerd]

[He definitely has the sense he shouldn't let Crow go, and so he tries again, before Crow can get out of his room.]

Crow wait, please.

[filetofish]

Why?

[Hey at least he's listening. He's tempted to ignore Rean and run off, but he stops, still leaning towards the door like he's ready to bolt.]

[awakenerd]

[What can he even say to convince him? He can only tell the truth.]

I just... Want you to stay. There isn't a grand reason or anything. I like you being here. I can sleep on the wall side, so you have more room.

[filetofish]

...

[He's quiet for a few beats, watching the wall rather than meet Rean's eyes. Rean's honest, but honesty for Crow would mean talking about how vulnerable he feels, and how frightened, and that's just too much.]

I really just want to be alone. I can't-- ...I just do.

[awakenerd]

I'm not going to force you to stay, I'm never going to. I'm not going to make you talk either. But it just... It feels like if you go that's wrong, like you're pulling back and I can't catch hold of you without hurting something. It scares me.

[filetofish]

Don't-- Don't talk like that.

[Rean always talks like that, but Crow can't handle it anymore. It just hurts. He wants to disappear -- not die, really, just go somewhere where no one will ask anything of him, or look at him, or see how much of himself he's losing. He feels like all his insides have been ripped out and he's utterly failing to put them back.]

I'm not going to another country. I'm just going to my room. I-- ...I don't want anyone watching me. It creeps me out.

[awakenerd]

[He can't help being himself?]

...Oh. Would it help if I turned my back? You can stay with me but I won't be really staring at you.

[filetofish]

...Maybe.

[He's torn. He wants to hole up, but he does, actually, like being close to Rean. Saying he doesn't would be a lie, and yet he's freaked out badly enough that he physically cannot force himself to move back to him. He's too afraid, and that's frustrating as hell.]

[awakenerd]

Okay.

[He's turning around, laying down on the side of the bed by the wall, back to Crow, facing the wall and hoping that he won't hear the door.]

I really would like it if you stay.

[filetofish]

That's not something you say to another guy.

[He's trying to act like normal Crow but it comes out a sad mumble. He does manage to make himself move though, slowly and cautiously creeping up to sit on the edge of the bed.]

[awakenerd]

[He wants so badly to turn around, but he makes himself stay still, looking only at the wall.]

I don't care.

[He really doesn't care if what he says sounds gay, maybe it is, not that he's thinking about that, it's just how he feels and he's going to say way he feels.]

Having you sleep next to me was really nice.

[filetofish]

...You're so damned clueless.

[Crow's laying back down though, nervously. He curls his fingers in the back of Rean's shirt and rests his forehead between his shoulderblades, breathing him in and willing himself not to cry.

He's failing, but at least it's more choked up than sobbing. He feels so ground down. Worthless. Dirty down below his skin, in a way that'll never be cleaned. But he adores Rean, so even if it feels selfish and even if he's scared, he'll do his best to let Rean coax him into closeness.]