This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[awakenerd]

.... I'm coming in, okay?

[He's not giving Crow the chance to say no either, opening the door and frowning when he finds Crow on the floor. It's alarming but Crow's conscious. So he grabs a towel and kneels next to him.]

Oh geeze you're freezing.

[filetofish]

I'm fine.

[Nooo don't be nice at him!

Crow takes the towel, but he's swatting Rean's hands before they can do anything else helpful. Just let him huddle here on th3 floor as a cold unhappy lump! It's where he belongs.]

--Yes, I'm full of shit, I know.

[Rean's definitely not going to believe "I'm fine" but that's not actually the point of saying it at this point.]

"I'm fine" means "go away".

[awakenerd]

Tough. I don't listen to bullshit.

[He's going to try to pick Crow up in his arms. Sure Crow is bigger and bulkier but Rean is strong and Crow can deal with being carried to bed. ]

[filetofish]

[can he though]

Don't touch me!

[Theoretically he can handle it but actually he just freaks out a little. Not so much he's going to hit Rean if he doesn't back off but enough that it's immediately clear he really does not want to be picked up. It's frightening and painful.]

[awakenerd]

... Fine. If you're going to get up. I'm not letting you freeze on the floor.

[He'll let Crow move himself if he would rather. ]

[filetofish]

...

[This is so humiliating. Crow really wants to scream -- to demand to be left alone, not looked at, not talked to, just left by himself to be pathetic. The only thing that keeps him from doing that is that the possibility of Rean ignoring it is too high. The last thing Crow wants is to make Rean that unhappy. He doesn't want to force Rean to push trauma buttons just to be a good person.

Sooo he gets up. But his face is burning with embarrassment and the very act of being obedient when he doesn't want to be is making him want to expire.]

There. I'm up.

[awakenerd]

[He hates how much Crow hates this but he can't leave him on the floor.]

Thanks.

[He doesn't like this, he doesn't like making Crow look humiliated, so once he's up he backs off some, retreating a bit to give Crow space.]

[filetofish]

It's not hurting me to be in here, you know.

[It was just a floor. He's slept in way worse conditions. But... it's nice that Rean worries. Crow just doesn't know what to do with it. He's become unused to that kind of care and now it sort of burns.]

You didn't do anything to hurt me, either. So you don't have to feel responsible for taking care of me.

[awakenerd]

I don't feel responsible, I just don't like you freezing on the floor.

[And crying, obviously, but he doesn't know what to say. ]

At least sleep in bed.

[filetofish]

...Okay.

["Sleep in bed" is a really reasonable request honestly. It'd be nothing but petty and contrary to argue with it, so he won't. He's a mess but he doesn't want to fight for the sake of fighting.]

Sorry.

[awakenerd]

Don't apologize.

[He's trying to offer a smile. He's fine, Crow doesn't need to worry about him. He's just worried about Crow.]

I just don't know what I'd do if you turned into an icicle.

[filetofish]

[Rean's obviously trying his best, and Crow can't help loving it. He can't help loving Rean in general. He's not loving himself much at the moment though so the kindness hurts, and while the humour does actually make him feel better that relief just dials down the tension enough to make the tears come back.

He's trying not to let them but it's pretty obvious. Crow's just going to try to scoot past Rean into the bedroom so he can at least get to bed and not start wailing while standing around dripping in a towel.]

[awakenerd]

[He'll follow Crow out but the tears are... Hard. He doesn't know what to do because if he offers a hug Crow might get all prickly and defensive and prideful but he doesn't know how else to deal with Crow being so wrecked.

He decides to go for it, catching Crow's wrist to tug him around and touch his face.]

Hey, come here.

[filetofish]

No.

[Yep he's prickling. Not with much force, just... Rean's all dressed and put together and Crow wants to at least find some scrap of dignity.]

Give me some space already.

[awakenerd]

I gave you plenty of space.

[And you went and cried on the floor with it.]

I'm not going to force you or anything but would a hug kill you?

[filetofish]

I--

[No a hug wouldn't kill him he's just feeling way too vulnerable right now. He pulls out of Rean's grasp, flushed and not making eye contact. This is all so stupid.]

Just let me put some damned pants on, for Aidios' sake!

[awakenerd]

Okay okay.

[He lets Crow go without holding on too tightly. It hurts to be pushed away so consistently but he's stubborn and he's trying not to let that sting get to him personally. Crow's a mess, he knows that. He signed up for this knowing that, and his feelings haven't changed.]

[filetofish]

[Hhhhhhhh!! Crow's too worked up, and knowing he's being mean to Rean isn't helping. He doesn't want to be, but he can't do anything about his own frayed nerves. He can at least bite back the grouchy "don't watch me" that nearly escapes, but he can't help the fact that being looked at at all when he's embarrassed makes him want to crawl into a hole and die.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself and says nothing. Instead he just vigorously towel dries his hair, then pulls on boxers and pyjamas, letting the feeling of normal routine settle him a little. It doesn't make him want to break down less but it does make him feel more like a human being and, more importantly, it makes him feel less disadvantaged. When Rean's dressed and cleaned up and sane and Crow is none of those things he feels way too unbalanced. Vulnerable. Powerless. Humiliated and scared. A lot of things he doesn't like.

So being dry and clothed actually helps quite a bit, and when he sits heavily on the side of the bed he's not feeling so bristly.]

...Okay.

[awakenerd]

Sorry for pushing you.

[But not for getting Crow off the floor. He wasn't going to let that continue even if Crow was fine with it. But now he's standing awkwardly in Crow's room not sure what to do. He still wants to hug Crow but maybe he should in fact just go and let Crow rest. He wishes he knew what Crow actually needed, just guessing and hoping he's not fucking up too much is nervewracking.[

[filetofish]

It's fine.

[He needs it and he knows that. That doesn't make it any easier, but at least Crow can recognize that wallowing doesn't help. He's the type to keep moving, after all. It's just that trying to move is so painful now that he's pretty sure he can't unless someone's pulling him along. He's tired. Everything hurts. He doesn't want to try.

Looking at the floor, he rubs his face for a moment, then abruptly gets up again. He's coming over to take Rean's hand though. Still without making eye contact, he tugs Rean towards the hall.]

Let's go to your room.

[awakenerd]

[He's startled but he squeezes Crow's hand and follows him back to his own room. This is okay? As long as Crow isn't facedown on the floor crying this has got to be improvement.]

Sure.

[He steps into his own room after Crow, heading to his bed to sit down but not letting go of Crow's hand unless Crow tries to escape.]

[filetofish]

[He doesn't pull away this time. He lets that contact be a slow acclimation to touch, reminding himself that it's okay. That he wants to be touched. Just because it went sideways doesn't mean he can't handle this much.

He sits down next to Rean, quietly staring at the floor for a bit. He wants that hug but he should be honest about what's going on before giving Rean more reason to question himself.]

...I haven't told you something important.

[awakenerd]

[He'll hold onto Crow's hand as long as he's allowed, frankly, wanting as much as Crow's comfortable with. Also more, but this much is still nice and he doesn't mind being patient with Crow. He just wishes he knew what to do that didn't keep tripping Crow up into freaking out. Maybe he can't do anything, but he wishes he could]

...What is it?

[filetofish]

...The people who messed with me the first time got their funding from a guy that was actually on Chancellor Asshole's payroll. I didn't notice at the time for reasons, but in retrospect it should've seemed familiar... That's not what I'm trying to tell you though.

[Crow rubs at his face with his free hand, trying to stay calm enough to go through this and not doing very well. He's holding Rean's hand desperately tight.]

The point is, they brought that guy in to... to "train" me. That's what was happening, this whole time. They used all the same stuff, they just arranged it differently. And the drugs they used are really, really shitty. I was already getting like this when you found me before but now-- Right now, my whole body hurts. Always. And I feel everything more, so... I really wanted to believe I could mess around with you and be stronger than that, but I couldn't. You were the best, it was just... too much.

[Just like talking about it is too much! Which is why Crow's starting to ugly cry.]

I really am just scraps, Rean. I'm never going to go back to being someone worth knowing.

[awakenerd]

[That's horrifying and enraging on so many levels and the way he's holding Crow's hand too tightly tells a lot.

He doesn't know what to say, so unless Crow stops him he's dragging him into that hug.

It hurts so much, what Crow's been through, that he didn't stop it, that Crow sees himself with so little value. It makes Rean furious and sad and twisted up. But even still he's at least glad he knows a bit more what he's dealing with. He doesn't know if it'll help him make any less mistakes, but at least Crow trusts him, and that's important.]

Thank you, for telling me. But I have to disagree with you on that last part. You're so strong it's kind of painful you know? I'm not going to let you go again, I promised and I mean it. I'll make sure none of them can touch you ever again.