This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[filetofish]

I want to be alone.

[He really does. Enough so that he's braving the fear of touch to try to crawl out of the bed, putting as much space between himself and Rean as he can. He wants to leave. He doesn't want Rean to look at him.]

[awakenerd]

[He doesn't know if he should let Crow leave and he's also sure he shouldn't make him stay. He scoots back to give Crow room.]

I can go get some tea if you want, for both of us.

[filetofish]

No thanks.

[He doesn't look at Rean. He's too humiliated by his own fear. He feels weak. Useless. But he doesn't want to be watched, so he's just going to slink off to his room and lock the door, unless Rean does something to stop him.]

[awakenerd]

[He definitely has the sense he shouldn't let Crow go, and so he tries again, before Crow can get out of his room.]

Crow wait, please.

[filetofish]

Why?

[Hey at least he's listening. He's tempted to ignore Rean and run off, but he stops, still leaning towards the door like he's ready to bolt.]

[awakenerd]

[What can he even say to convince him? He can only tell the truth.]

I just... Want you to stay. There isn't a grand reason or anything. I like you being here. I can sleep on the wall side, so you have more room.

[filetofish]

...

[He's quiet for a few beats, watching the wall rather than meet Rean's eyes. Rean's honest, but honesty for Crow would mean talking about how vulnerable he feels, and how frightened, and that's just too much.]

I really just want to be alone. I can't-- ...I just do.

[awakenerd]

I'm not going to force you to stay, I'm never going to. I'm not going to make you talk either. But it just... It feels like if you go that's wrong, like you're pulling back and I can't catch hold of you without hurting something. It scares me.

[filetofish]

Don't-- Don't talk like that.

[Rean always talks like that, but Crow can't handle it anymore. It just hurts. He wants to disappear -- not die, really, just go somewhere where no one will ask anything of him, or look at him, or see how much of himself he's losing. He feels like all his insides have been ripped out and he's utterly failing to put them back.]

I'm not going to another country. I'm just going to my room. I-- ...I don't want anyone watching me. It creeps me out.

[awakenerd]

[He can't help being himself?]

...Oh. Would it help if I turned my back? You can stay with me but I won't be really staring at you.

[filetofish]

...Maybe.

[He's torn. He wants to hole up, but he does, actually, like being close to Rean. Saying he doesn't would be a lie, and yet he's freaked out badly enough that he physically cannot force himself to move back to him. He's too afraid, and that's frustrating as hell.]

[awakenerd]

Okay.

[He's turning around, laying down on the side of the bed by the wall, back to Crow, facing the wall and hoping that he won't hear the door.]

I really would like it if you stay.

[filetofish]

That's not something you say to another guy.

[He's trying to act like normal Crow but it comes out a sad mumble. He does manage to make himself move though, slowly and cautiously creeping up to sit on the edge of the bed.]

[awakenerd]

[He wants so badly to turn around, but he makes himself stay still, looking only at the wall.]

I don't care.

[He really doesn't care if what he says sounds gay, maybe it is, not that he's thinking about that, it's just how he feels and he's going to say way he feels.]

Having you sleep next to me was really nice.

[filetofish]

...You're so damned clueless.

[Crow's laying back down though, nervously. He curls his fingers in the back of Rean's shirt and rests his forehead between his shoulderblades, breathing him in and willing himself not to cry.

He's failing, but at least it's more choked up than sobbing. He feels so ground down. Worthless. Dirty down below his skin, in a way that'll never be cleaned. But he adores Rean, so even if it feels selfish and even if he's scared, he'll do his best to let Rean coax him into closeness.]

[awakenerd]

[It's hard to misinterpret that, even for Rean, but he doesn't know what to say when his breath catches as Crow settles, because he feels like he's staying still for a very nervous bird and if he makes a sudden move it'll fly away forever.]

I... I don't want to be.

[He says carefully, heart hammering. He really doesn't want to be clueless, especially when it comes to Crow.]

[filetofish]

You always are.

[There are so many people whose feelings Rean has missed. Crow might be one of them, but he's not the first and he doesn't want Rean to waste any energy on Crow's feelings, so he's not going to confess that easily.]

[awakenerd]

I'll try to be more aware.

[He says is gently, because he's already getting aware of Crow's feelings, and he, personally, thinks they are the furthest from a waste of time, but also he doesn't know what to do with them in this messed up situation.]

[filetofish]

[Goddess Rean is such a softie. Crow tightens his fingers in Rean's shirt, wanting to do more but too afraid to.]

...I thought about you every day.

[It's hardly more than a whisper, but it's there. Rean doesn't want to be clueless, and Crow thinks it's pointless but he may as well say it.]

Not just there. Every day since October.

[awakenerd]

[It's so hard not to turn around and face Crow. His voice is quiet but audible.]

Me too. I mean, I needed to find the others first, but after that, everything was all aiming to get you back. You were the goal, honestly, everything else was incidental.

[filetofish]

You're so soft.

[Oh Aidios please let him stay like this. He's burying his face against Rean's shoulder, willing himself not to cry.]

I really want to go away somewhere. I don't want to see anyone ever again, except you.

[awakenerd]

Crow...

[How is he supposes to stay facing the wall??? He manages, somehow, letting Crow cling to his back.]

Would that really make you happy? Everyone here really loves you. I... I really love you. I don't want to see this drive you into hiding, I want to ... I want to help be your strength.

[filetofish]

Why bother?

[He's so tired. So stressed. He can't even try to pretend he's not miserable and flattened.]

Everything I ever did was useless. I still want to kill that guy, but I'm in a corner. It freaks me out to be around people, anyway. I'd rather just disappear.

[awakenerd]

Maybe... Maybe the things you did for revenge did end up useless. But is that all you can think you've done with your life? It might not have been the goal you cared about, but you've done so much for the people of Trista, the students of Thors, for us, your classmates, for me... I can't remotely think of the things you've done as useless.

[filetofish]

I don't care.

[Not about what good he's done. Not about whether or not he's loved. He just wants to get away from himself and from the prying eyes of people who either hate or pity him.]

I'm not up to pretending to be happy anymore. I just want to be left alone.