This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[awakenerd]

[He wants so badly to turn around, but he makes himself stay still, looking only at the wall.]

I don't care.

[He really doesn't care if what he says sounds gay, maybe it is, not that he's thinking about that, it's just how he feels and he's going to say way he feels.]

Having you sleep next to me was really nice.

[filetofish]

...You're so damned clueless.

[Crow's laying back down though, nervously. He curls his fingers in the back of Rean's shirt and rests his forehead between his shoulderblades, breathing him in and willing himself not to cry.

He's failing, but at least it's more choked up than sobbing. He feels so ground down. Worthless. Dirty down below his skin, in a way that'll never be cleaned. But he adores Rean, so even if it feels selfish and even if he's scared, he'll do his best to let Rean coax him into closeness.]

[awakenerd]

[It's hard to misinterpret that, even for Rean, but he doesn't know what to say when his breath catches as Crow settles, because he feels like he's staying still for a very nervous bird and if he makes a sudden move it'll fly away forever.]

I... I don't want to be.

[He says carefully, heart hammering. He really doesn't want to be clueless, especially when it comes to Crow.]

[filetofish]

You always are.

[There are so many people whose feelings Rean has missed. Crow might be one of them, but he's not the first and he doesn't want Rean to waste any energy on Crow's feelings, so he's not going to confess that easily.]

[awakenerd]

I'll try to be more aware.

[He says is gently, because he's already getting aware of Crow's feelings, and he, personally, thinks they are the furthest from a waste of time, but also he doesn't know what to do with them in this messed up situation.]

[filetofish]

[Goddess Rean is such a softie. Crow tightens his fingers in Rean's shirt, wanting to do more but too afraid to.]

...I thought about you every day.

[It's hardly more than a whisper, but it's there. Rean doesn't want to be clueless, and Crow thinks it's pointless but he may as well say it.]

Not just there. Every day since October.

[awakenerd]

[It's so hard not to turn around and face Crow. His voice is quiet but audible.]

Me too. I mean, I needed to find the others first, but after that, everything was all aiming to get you back. You were the goal, honestly, everything else was incidental.

[filetofish]

You're so soft.

[Oh Aidios please let him stay like this. He's burying his face against Rean's shoulder, willing himself not to cry.]

I really want to go away somewhere. I don't want to see anyone ever again, except you.

[awakenerd]

Crow...

[How is he supposes to stay facing the wall??? He manages, somehow, letting Crow cling to his back.]

Would that really make you happy? Everyone here really loves you. I... I really love you. I don't want to see this drive you into hiding, I want to ... I want to help be your strength.

[filetofish]

Why bother?

[He's so tired. So stressed. He can't even try to pretend he's not miserable and flattened.]

Everything I ever did was useless. I still want to kill that guy, but I'm in a corner. It freaks me out to be around people, anyway. I'd rather just disappear.

[awakenerd]

Maybe... Maybe the things you did for revenge did end up useless. But is that all you can think you've done with your life? It might not have been the goal you cared about, but you've done so much for the people of Trista, the students of Thors, for us, your classmates, for me... I can't remotely think of the things you've done as useless.

[filetofish]

I don't care.

[Not about what good he's done. Not about whether or not he's loved. He just wants to get away from himself and from the prying eyes of people who either hate or pity him.]

I'm not up to pretending to be happy anymore. I just want to be left alone.

[awakenerd]

No one wants you to pretend to be happy. And you don't have to go anywhere. I'll be right here. Later, if you still want to go somewhere far away, I'll go with you.

[filetofish]

How much later is later?

[They could go RIGHT NOW.]

[awakenerd]

When you've recovered enough to go out more.

[If you can prove you can go out and still wanna disappear, fine.]

[filetofish]

[This is the saddest disgruntled growl ever.]

I don't want to go out. Ever.

[awakenerd]

I know.

[It'd be cute if not for... everything...]

[filetofish]

So don't tell me you'll let me leave when I don't want to anymore. Just... let me.

[awakenerd]

...Crow... I don't... Know what to do. I want to make you happy. I don't think just leaving will work.

[filetofish]

It's not like I can't come back if I want to.

[awakenerd]

You can't leave without me, or at least one of the class, and I don't think, they'll let me...

[filetofish]

So convince them. What am I going to do? Panic at them?

[awakenerd]

...

[He chokes back a laugh but honestly getting them to let Crow live, to let Crow be here and not in a cell, is a major victory, and yet he now feels like he's not done enough. Like he's failed Crow majorly. He digs his fingers into his arms and breathes in slowly.]

I'll talk to them.

[filetofish]

...Thanks.

[Cause he's pretty sure if he has to keep being around people he's going to throw himself off of something.]

[awakenerd]

I can't... Promise anything.