reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[His breath catches and he goes totally still. Not because he doesn't want this, but because his heart is racing and he's not sure where to put his hands. He settles for the top of Crow's thighs, uncertain and delicate and scared of this going wrong and desperate for the contact, the chance to give Crow even a little bit of something good.]

I feel the same. Wanting all of you. It's greedy, but since I want to be all yours too, I don't mind being greedy.

I don't mind either. I'm greedy too, after all.

[Greedy enough to straddle Rean's lap and kiss him hard, at the very least.]

[He kisses back, lips parting immediately, hands staying where they are but twitching just a little with the urge to move. He doesn't want to go slow but he's deeply conscious of not making sudden or aggressive movements so ultimately he's just letting Crow lead the pace and depth of their kiss.]

[Crow's got enough aggressive passion for both of them honestly. He can't help being terrified of this kind of contact, but he can make up for it with enthusiasm, and that's what he's doing. He'll have Rean pushed over onto the bed in no time, hands against his shoulders and tasting every bit of his mouth. ]

[He's already 100% into it. He's into Crow, he's just kind of terrified of setting Crow off. So they can both be pretty scared, but eager anyway, because with Crow on top of him he feels bold enough to push his hands up over his hips and under Crow's shirt gently, testing if it's okay if he just touches Crow's skin a little, drowning in the kiss and trying not to get so swept up in desire that he's impatient.]

[Crow flinches a little at the touch, muscles twitching as he shivers in a way that's half excitement and half fear. Somewhere distantly he remembers the exploring touches of flings that were fun and care-free, but layered on top of that are what feels like infinite more recent memories of caving under the pressure of pain and drugged need, of too many hands at once, of being terrified and shamed and wanting--

He can't help it, but he doesn't want it to get in the way. He knows he can't hide the hesitation from Rean, but the last thing he wants is to feel too fragile to touch. He pulls back from the kiss, but rather than trying to get space he's throwing himself into it harder, leaning into Rean's hands and dragging his lips and teeth along Rean's jaw with a desperate kind of hunger. He only pauses with his face buried against the side of Rean's neck, shaking a little.]

Rean... Whatever I do, please don't stop for me unless I say to.

[He needs that on the table -- he can't hide his reactions, so he'll just have to be upfront.]

[That's going to be genuinely difficult. Rean, being himself, already wants to stop and check on Crow, slow down because of the flinching, but if it's what Crow is asking of him he'll try. He takes a deep breath, steadying his own nerves.]

Okay. But you have to be willing to tell me to stop if it's too much, okay?

[Because if he's freaking out about Crow being too stubborn he'll stop anyway, and he really does want to do whatever Crow needs, even if it's pushing him.]

Yeah. We can stop if you're not happy too. Obviously. Just... I really want to.

[Goddess he's not even going to get through talking at this rate. His hands are shaking terribly, but he drags them down Rean's chest anyway, stubborn as always.

He felt so empty, just yesterday. Pain, fear, & despair had left him cold and hollow, unwilling to even twitch the wrong way lest it bring more suffering. But Rean is warm -- warm and kind and wonderful and it may be a little crazy but Crow's desperate to soak in as much of that as he can no matter how much it hurts. Even if they fight. Even if he's scared. Nothing can be worse than that emptiness.]

I've imagined you so many times. I want--

[No self no crying. That's not cool or manly! He manages to hold it in, but his voice is hoarse and quiet with the effort.]

I want to know what you really feel like. I want to see your face. So that's... So I see you in my dreams, instead of... that.

[Crow might be able to hold in tears but Rean is having a harder time. It's a mix, good and bad emotions at Crow's words, but mostly just a lot, overwhelming. So he's reaching up, cupping Crow's face and tugging him into another kiss while he tries to wrangle his feelings before they spill over into tears. ]

I really want you. I want you so much, so as long as it's not too much we'll keep going okay? I want you to think of me, instead of anyone else.

[If he can replace even one of Crow's nightmares he'd be happy, but the desperate, possessive part of him that hates having failed Crow wants Crow to think of nothing BUT him.]

[He kisses back hard, sweet and terribly needy.]

I'm always thinking of you.

[Not even an exaggeration. It's in the background sometimes but Rean is always there, maybe especially when Crow's been reduced to a useless terrified blob. But this... this is so important. It's making memories to hold onto. Crow still can't really trust that he's safe, but he can feel safer here like this. Better, muttering against Rean's lips as his hands climb hungrily up his shirt, exploring with trembling fingers.]

You make me feel so soft. It's embarrassing.

[But he's saying it fondly and with good humour, nuzzling into Rean's hand.]

You are soft.

[Almost a laugh, pointing it out, voice pretty unsteady with mixed emotions and hormones, Crow's hands making him gasp with the touch.

He's not going to be outdone, not when he can stroke Crow's face with a thumb and slide his other hand up Crow's shirt. Gentle and eager and uncertain as he touches, awed by how good Crow's skin feels like this, against his palm and fingertips.

He wants, more than anything, for this to be good for Crow, to help a little, to chase away some of the pain and replace it with himself. ]

I'm a stone cold monster.

[He laughs, before his breath hitches, shaky, at the warmth of Rean's hands. Crow's skin is scarred, mostly recently, and he's lost weight, but he's no less pleasant to feel up. He thinks Rean's better, though. He could never possibly feel enough of him.

He doesn't want Rean to stop touching him, so he resists the urge to drop down and go right for the prize. He can still watch Rean's face, though -- and he does, looking him right in the eyes as he turns to catch Rean's thumb in his mouth.

While he's got that distraction going, he gently pinches a nipple. Because he's Crow and he wants the reaction.]

Ah--!

[Crow gets a reaction all right. Rean arching under his hand a little and his face going even more red. The lips on his thumb aren't being ignored either it's just the combination attack is pretty effective.]

I take it back! You're definitely a menace.

[He complains, breathless, shoving his hand up Crow's shirt more until the shirt itself is rucked up and Rean's able to flick his thumb over one of Crow's nipples. Not as aggressive as pinching but still going for it.]

Mnn...

[He'd agree, but his mouth is occupied. He does gasp at the touch, but that just pulls Rean's thumb further in -- which is just fine as far as Crow's concerned. That way he can do all sorts of lewd things with his tongue, while looking down at Rean with hooded eyes.]

Crow...

[His voice is a little more wrecked. He's not going anywhere with that he's just saying Crow's name while looking at him with wide eyes. It's... Really easy to be incredibly turned on by what Crow is doing with his tongue. Quite possibly it would be impossible not to have a lot of lewd thoughts about that. He takes a shaky breath and curls his thumb against Crow's tongue, rubbing a distracted circle over Crow's nipple with his fingers.]

[Being caught up in Rean is more than understandable. The level of haze filling Crow's eyes is maybe not. He looks euphoric, but also like he's about five seconds from passing out.

Both are true. For one he hasn't actually slept in ages, but mostly it's that he no longer knows how to process this kind of situation without zoning out somewhat. It's kind of automatic -- letting a pleasurable feeling sweep his consciousness away. He's completely wanton about it, sucking on Rean's thumb, licking across his palm and down his fingers while leaning shamelessly into his hand. It could be Crow's normal eroticism if the way he's shoving his body against Rean's wasn't so... mindless, and yet fevered and almost desperate.

He's thinking "ReanReanRean" but it's losing coherency very quickly.]

[It's alarming. He can tell this isn't... Maybe it's normal for Crow now but it's not normal and he doesn't know what to do. Crow said not to stop unless Crow tells him but he kind of wants to pause until Crow actually looks like he's not in some kind of trance.

There's also the fact that what Crow is doing is distracting and making him pant and moan softly, because it's Crow and it's fucking erotic as hell even when it's alarming.]

Crow. Hey. Look at me?

[Actually see him? He stops groping Crow's chest in favor of cupping Crow's face with both hands again.]

No--

[No don't distract him that's just terrible. Terrible in that his frazzled brain assumes being asked to focus during sex is the immediate precursor to something painful. Crow jumps, and for a moment the haze is replaced with equally mindless terror.]

Please d- ...don't s-stop...

[Even Crow's not sure if thats directed at Rean. He's confused and out of it, shaking his head as he tries to catch hold of his thoughts. Once he starts to though hes just mad at himself, embarrassed, so he tries to escape Rean's gentle face holding. He doesn't know where else to put his face so ultimately he decides to try the distraction tactic of shoving his head right up Rean's shirt and biting him.]

Ignore it.

[That earns a yelp at least, undignified and confused and offended. Rean sits up a little just so he can try to get his shirt off because Crow in his shirt biting! him!?]

Crow!

[It's a complaint but he's also worried. It's not like he knows what to do about any of this, and he did agree not to stop without Crow's request but...?

How do you even deal with Crow's level of trauma? He doesn't know. But he knows, he's pretty sure, trying to take it slower will hurt more so he drags Crow up gently when he gets his shirt off and bites his neck. Not even hard enough to be remotely painful except that Crow is always in pain, not that Rain knows. He's still trying to be super gentle anyway.]

I'm f-ine</>...!

[Crow is 100% glad Rean's not slowing down, and 110% enjoying that gentle bite. His fingertips press into Rean's abs, his lashes flutter, and he's thoroughly distracted. He's trying to stay present, but it's hard.]

Rean...

[Crow whines, telling himself that it'd be a bad idea to skip right to the end goal. He wants to, but he also wants this to be good for Rean. The last thing Crow needs is to give Rean bad memories when Rean's trying so hard to give Crow good ones.]

[Honestly Crow could do about anything and Rean would just be in love with him anyway. He tries biting a little harder, sucking on Crow's skin to leave a mark, determined to in fact, leave not just one but maybe several marks on Crow. They won't be as permanent as the new scars, but it's something.]

[Crow's body hurts so much, but the delightful sting of Rean leaving marks is no less amazing for that. In fact it might be even better, a distraction and a twisting of the pain into pleasure that he really needs.

But he still needs more. More and more and more until he can prove that real, good sex is better than any drug-fueled intensity. He needs to prove he can do things that aren't broken. His breath is shaky, soft noises escaping, and his hands are too-fast and needy as they slide over Rean's bare skin to fumble with his belt.]

[He is really distracted by those noises and touches, but not so much he can't add a few more marks to Crow's neck before Crow's got his belt undone and he has to let go and pull back enough to help get his own pants off.]

[Crow should stop and get undressed too, but he's too wound up to pause even a little. He's always been a sexually open kind of guy, but he'd have to admit he's never been nearly this frantic to get a dick in his mouth. He's sliding down, hands on Rean's thighs, and he couldn't slow down if he tried.

It's too manic and he knows that, but he just needs. He needs the good memories. He needs to see and hear and feel Rean, to prove he's real and Crow's here and it's not a dream. He needs to be good and useful and he needs to know he can be those things without hurting himself, on his own decision. He's absolutely conditioned to give himself now, but he wants to be doing it of his own will, for his own selfish reasons. As long as he's the one acting, as long as he's choosing what to do, he's less afraid, even though he's feeling totally out of control.]

[Rean was going to complain that Crow is wearing too much but then Crow is moving between his legs and he's distracted.

Of course he's already hard, it'd be impossible not to be in the situation, with the way Crow's touch sends shivers through him and even the frantic, desperate need is erotic, if alarming. He doesn't know if it's a good idea to let Crow go this fast but he doesn't know if any of this is a GOOD idea. They both need it anyway, to feel each other.

His fingers slide into Crow's hair, gently, and he sits up to look at him, voice a little choked.]

Crow...

[He wants so badly to be touching more of Crow, making Crow feel good, but it's difficult to form words right this exact moment.]

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