This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

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[filetofish]

I put in my two weeks notice.

[Hahaha.]

Did you sleep well? Your sleeping face was super cute.

[awakenerd]

Crow, what was that really about?

[filetofish]

Like I said. I called and told them I quit. You weren't going to let me go back tomorrow anyway, right? So I told the truth.

[It's only half a lie. He did tell the truth, it's just all the trapping surrounding it.

He was downright zombified last night, but now Crow's acting like himself. It's almost normal, except that his hands keep shaking and all his movements are a little jerky and his voice slightly manic. He's smiling but it's not hard to tell, for someone as close as Rean, that it's a paper-thin veneer over a profound kind of panic.]

[awakenerd]

Crow.

[He's getting up, walking across to lean over Crow on the couch, taking one of his hands.]

Tell me the truth, at least.

[filetofish]

...

[With Rean that close, Crow's smile freezes in place. He's too scared and guilty to stop smiling but also too scared and guilty to keep at it when Rean asks so honestly. He holds that pose for a moment, not breathing, then looks away, bright fake smile fading into a soft and bitter one.]

They said they're happy to talk to you about it. I can stay here if that's what I really want. I'm not lying about that.

[awakenerd]

And?

[Because there's more, obviously, and he's waiting for Crow to finish telling him what it is. Because if it were really just Crow quitting he wouldn't be this shady about it.]

[filetofish]

Ah... Well, y'know. One of the guys in that office is someone I used to work with. I'm still pretty pissed off about it, so it's hard to just chat. But he said I need to warn you what you're getting into. Do you think you can really handle it? You'll have to kill innocent civillians.

[That also isn't a lie. He really did talk about that, and he really is mad at someone, and it's easier to address this than the cruel and terrifying things other people said on that call.]

[awakenerd]

Crow, please just tell me all of it.

[He isn't impatient, exactly, but it's hard to try pulling this from Crow a bit at a time. And it's... Stressful to think about Crow having to be this scared, let alone what he'll have to do himself in the future. He'd rather focus on Crow.]

[filetofish]

That's all that's important.

[All he wants to talk about, anyway.]

The rest was just... reminders.

[awakenerd]

Crow.... All of it's important. Tell me.

[filetofish]

Why?

[Rean keeps saying his name and for some reason it's really distressing right now. Maybe because Crow feels so unlike himself. He feels like dirt.

In fact, he feels so dirty and so fucked up that looking at Rean holding his hand, he can only imagine that the unwashable filth all over him is going to stain Rean's skin. He pulls his hand free in response, and fixes his gaze on the floor.]

Maybe I don't want to repeat every mean thing someone says about me.

[awakenerd]

[He sits next to Crow then, plopping himself on the couch and turning to face him, one leg pulled up under himself.]

I'm worried about you and kind of freaked out right now, that's why. Even knowing you're talking to them at all has me panicking, it's not like they're just letting you go that easily, right?

[filetofish]

...They are. You're worth a hundred times more than me.

[He sounds so calm, saying it. His tone is like last night-- so afraid and self-loathing it's gone lifeless.]

They just told me to remember what I am, before I let you do it.

[He knows Rean's going to keep asking so he continues, even though he doesn't want to at all. Rean's just going to tell him he's wrong and that'll hurt like hell.]

I'm a horrible person, you know. I should be dead. I can't ever be punished enough. Those people you saved me from... They weren't wrong. I'm only alive because I could be useful-- Ah, but I won't be, actually. I was a waste of time. So they'll let me go, if I can't even endure it for your sake, after I...

[After he cried for Rean so much, when he was being hurt. After caving and letting himself be hurt even more just for the chance to see him again... But that part he chokes on.]

Whatever. I can stay here, but you can only protect me so much, and they're not going to stop anyone from taking me out like I should've been ages ago.

That's what they said. I told you, now leave it alone.

[awakenerd]

...

[He hates every sentence out of Crow's mouth with a passion, and he ends up reaching for Crow, to hold his hand again if Crow lets him. He wants more. He wants to hold him, but Crow looks ready to bolt in self-loathing so he doesn't know what to do.]

Okay. Well I'm not going to just take this without negotiating for myself a bit too.

[Part of that is going to be trying to get Millium or Altina to watch Crow, the rest is going to be to get Ordine. That they'll let him replace Crow as an operative is a huge relief to Rean, but he's not going to meekly not try to get some concessions. If he's going to be doing Osborne's dirty work now, he's going to make his father pay him as dearly for it as he can.]

But... I'm glad, that they're letting you go. I'll try to get Ordine back.

What will you do now?

[filetofish]

Die.

[He jerks his hand away, leaning out of Rean's space as much as he can. He knows Rean wouldn't let him even if Crow wasn't too afraid of being replaced to follow through, but he wants to die pretty intensely.]

...I wish I hadn't come here.

[awakenerd]

What the hell kind of answer is that?

[filetofish]

Don't lecture me. I already know you won't let me.

[He wants to sound like he's joking but he just sounds defeated.]

[awakenerd]

I love you you idiot, so of course I'm going to be pissed if you say things like that.

[filetofish]

...What a brat.

[Rean just doesn't understand. Crow wishes he could explain it properly, but the words just don't want to come out right.]

Getting mad at me for wanting to die while you're asking me to sit and watch you sacrifice yourself for scraps. It's stupid.

[awakenerd]

I'm not going to let you decide what you're worth on your own.

What pisses me off is you calling yourself scraps. I should have stormed the intelligence division myself before I let them keep you, Crow. I can't make up for failing you repeatedly but I can keep you safe right now.

Maybe you don't feel worth it, but yesterday you asked me to tell you who you were. They've hurt you beyond anything I can comprehend, but to me that doesn't change a single reason to care about you.

[filetofish]

...You really don't understand anything.

[And Crow doesn't know how to explain. So he's just getting up and walking away from Rean, because that's clearly how to handle this.]

[awakenerd]

[Well he's getting up too, following.]

If I don't understand than explain instead of just walking away from me!

[filetofish]

[He's been doing a good job of being pissy and bratty instead of pathetic and scared so far today! But the instant Rean follows him with his voice raised, Crow goes sheet-pale, changing from a dismissive withdrawal to a startled retreat.

It's just Rean, he tells himself. But he's got five months of conditioning at this point and no matter how hard he tries to be in control of himself it all crumbles at a touch.

But that makes him angry, too. It's himself he's mad at, but it's Rean who's in front of him so it's Rean he's going to yell at. He's like a frightened cat, puffing up to look bigger even as he's backing himself up against the wall just from that tiny bit of aggressive movement from Rean.]

Why is this something I have to explain?! You can't protect me if you won't even think about how I feel about it! What do you think I'm going to do while you're out there? Sit and relax?! I told their stupid lies for you. I let them hurt me so I could see you! Why the hell would you think I'd want you to get your hands bloody when I'm already soaked in it?!

[awakenerd]

[Oh. Well that makes him. Stop. And stare at Crow because he never really considered that way. He's not stupid he's just... He's Rean. And while he'd charge into danger without a thought to save Crow it really doesn't occur to him that it's something that upsets Crow. He's been told before that it's... Arrogant, but there's a difference between arrogance and actively hurting someone he only wants to shield from harm.] ...Then what am I supposed to do? If I can't protect you this way, how am I supposed to keep you safe? I understand what you're saying Crow, but I can't be okay with you going back because I feel the same way! I can't stand the idea of letting you be hurt for another minute! I can't deal with being helpless.

[filetofish]

I already can't be fixed.

[He doesn't want Rean to be sad, but it is what it is. This is why he shouldn't have come here. It should have been enough to see him from a distance, but he just had to get close one more time.]

It's too late to help me, so just do your job and let me do mine.