This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

Comments

[awakenerd]

[That's a relief. And all Rean really wants to do is spend time with Crow being normal, for as long as they can. ]

Don't think I'll go easy on you.

[filetofish]

I'd be insulted if you did.

[He knows things aren't going to be okay. He knows, but it'll be easier on Rean if Crow can make himself look functional. So he smiles, even while he sits there barely eating, looking like he got run over.]

[awakenerd]

[They can talk more about serious things tomorrow. It's already been a stressful enough day, so Rean gently bullies Crow into eating a little more, if he can, before breaking out the Blade deck. ]

[filetofish]

[He does eat a bit more -- not a lot but more than crumbs, so it counts. He shows some enthusiasm for Blade, too. He smiles, and laughs, and for a little while it almost feels like everything is okay again. Like they were never apart.]

[awakenerd]

[It's almost painful, how much he wants this to last forever, to never have been taken away. He keeps them both up late, not wanting to sleep, but eventually it's time to turn in. ]

Is it okay if I stay in here?

[filetofish]

Eeh... I want you to, but I might freak out on you if I actually sleep.

[Nightmares and all that. Things he's trying to pretend got better while he was gone when they didn't at all.]

[awakenerd]

That's fine.

[It's not like he thinks Crow isn't a completely mess.]

[filetofish]

[Rean's so good. Crow doesn't deserve his patience but he wants it, so he'll do his best not to make it harder. Right now that means keeping laughing.]

I might do other things too.

[awakenerd]

[He's not clueless in the context, but he is going to stare Crow straight in the eyes.]

Do you want to?

[filetofish]

[Crow didn't expect such an honest response, so he flushes at the question, laughing to cover for it.]

Don't I always? You're just too cute not to be into.

[awakenerd]

[Crow blushing is pretty cute, it's almost cute enough to distract from worrying, but not really.]

I don't know about that. But I already said I loved you, I'm not going to pretend I'm not into you.

[filetofish]

I said I love you too, didn't I?

[He means that, but to be honest he's actually really scared to sleep with Rean. Will he be able to see just Rean and not bad memories? What would it be like with a body as damaged as Crow's?]

[awakenerd]

Yeah. I'm just saying you don't have to be so surprised that I'd want you.

[He's nervous, just in general but also mainly about Crow's... Everything. How he might mess up just be existing if they do anything, but he doesn't want to not if Crow's really into trying. It's weird and complicated and he doesn't know what to do so he's just relying on being himself.]

I don't want to do anything you don't want to. I'm happy just sleeping next to you.

[filetofish]

I want to.

[He wants to do everything, just to prove he can. That he's stronger than his pain and scars. That he loves Rean the most.

Crow shoves the remains of the game onto the floor like the mess he is and scoots over to climb onto Rean.]

I've wanted all of you for a long time.

[awakenerd]

[His breath catches and he goes totally still. Not because he doesn't want this, but because his heart is racing and he's not sure where to put his hands. He settles for the top of Crow's thighs, uncertain and delicate and scared of this going wrong and desperate for the contact, the chance to give Crow even a little bit of something good.]

I feel the same. Wanting all of you. It's greedy, but since I want to be all yours too, I don't mind being greedy.

[filetofish]

I don't mind either. I'm greedy too, after all.

[Greedy enough to straddle Rean's lap and kiss him hard, at the very least.]

[awakenerd]

[He kisses back, lips parting immediately, hands staying where they are but twitching just a little with the urge to move. He doesn't want to go slow but he's deeply conscious of not making sudden or aggressive movements so ultimately he's just letting Crow lead the pace and depth of their kiss.]

[filetofish]

[Crow's got enough aggressive passion for both of them honestly. He can't help being terrified of this kind of contact, but he can make up for it with enthusiasm, and that's what he's doing. He'll have Rean pushed over onto the bed in no time, hands against his shoulders and tasting every bit of his mouth. ]

[awakenerd]

[He's already 100% into it. He's into Crow, he's just kind of terrified of setting Crow off. So they can both be pretty scared, but eager anyway, because with Crow on top of him he feels bold enough to push his hands up over his hips and under Crow's shirt gently, testing if it's okay if he just touches Crow's skin a little, drowning in the kiss and trying not to get so swept up in desire that he's impatient.]

[filetofish]

[Crow flinches a little at the touch, muscles twitching as he shivers in a way that's half excitement and half fear. Somewhere distantly he remembers the exploring touches of flings that were fun and care-free, but layered on top of that are what feels like infinite more recent memories of caving under the pressure of pain and drugged need, of too many hands at once, of being terrified and shamed and wanting--

He can't help it, but he doesn't want it to get in the way. He knows he can't hide the hesitation from Rean, but the last thing he wants is to feel too fragile to touch. He pulls back from the kiss, but rather than trying to get space he's throwing himself into it harder, leaning into Rean's hands and dragging his lips and teeth along Rean's jaw with a desperate kind of hunger. He only pauses with his face buried against the side of Rean's neck, shaking a little.]

Rean... Whatever I do, please don't stop for me unless I say to.

[He needs that on the table -- he can't hide his reactions, so he'll just have to be upfront.]

[awakenerd]

[That's going to be genuinely difficult. Rean, being himself, already wants to stop and check on Crow, slow down because of the flinching, but if it's what Crow is asking of him he'll try. He takes a deep breath, steadying his own nerves.]

Okay. But you have to be willing to tell me to stop if it's too much, okay?

[Because if he's freaking out about Crow being too stubborn he'll stop anyway, and he really does want to do whatever Crow needs, even if it's pushing him.]

[filetofish]

Yeah. We can stop if you're not happy too. Obviously. Just... I really want to.

[Goddess he's not even going to get through talking at this rate. His hands are shaking terribly, but he drags them down Rean's chest anyway, stubborn as always.

He felt so empty, just yesterday. Pain, fear, & despair had left him cold and hollow, unwilling to even twitch the wrong way lest it bring more suffering. But Rean is warm -- warm and kind and wonderful and it may be a little crazy but Crow's desperate to soak in as much of that as he can no matter how much it hurts. Even if they fight. Even if he's scared. Nothing can be worse than that emptiness.]

I've imagined you so many times. I want--

[No self no crying. That's not cool or manly! He manages to hold it in, but his voice is hoarse and quiet with the effort.]

I want to know what you really feel like. I want to see your face. So that's... So I see you in my dreams, instead of... that.

[awakenerd]

[Crow might be able to hold in tears but Rean is having a harder time. It's a mix, good and bad emotions at Crow's words, but mostly just a lot, overwhelming. So he's reaching up, cupping Crow's face and tugging him into another kiss while he tries to wrangle his feelings before they spill over into tears. ]

I really want you. I want you so much, so as long as it's not too much we'll keep going okay? I want you to think of me, instead of anyone else.

[If he can replace even one of Crow's nightmares he'd be happy, but the desperate, possessive part of him that hates having failed Crow wants Crow to think of nothing BUT him.]

[filetofish]

[He kisses back hard, sweet and terribly needy.]

I'm always thinking of you.

[Not even an exaggeration. It's in the background sometimes but Rean is always there, maybe especially when Crow's been reduced to a useless terrified blob. But this... this is so important. It's making memories to hold onto. Crow still can't really trust that he's safe, but he can feel safer here like this. Better, muttering against Rean's lips as his hands climb hungrily up his shirt, exploring with trembling fingers.]

You make me feel so soft. It's embarrassing.

[But he's saying it fondly and with good humour, nuzzling into Rean's hand.]

[awakenerd]

You are soft.

[Almost a laugh, pointing it out, voice pretty unsteady with mixed emotions and hormones, Crow's hands making him gasp with the touch.

He's not going to be outdone, not when he can stroke Crow's face with a thumb and slide his other hand up Crow's shirt. Gentle and eager and uncertain as he touches, awed by how good Crow's skin feels like this, against his palm and fingertips.

He wants, more than anything, for this to be good for Crow, to help a little, to chase away some of the pain and replace it with himself. ]