This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

[reanbeanmachine]

[Crow's wounds required immediate treatment, and while he was in the care of Heimdallr's hospital something went... Wrong. Word got out somehow who he was, leader of that terrorist group, the sniper whose bullet set off the war. Some bribes, some shady dealings, and before the intelligence agency or RMP could react, he was home from his room.

Luckily for Crow by the time he's kidnapped he's in stable condition, and his captors want him to recover, so he's been transported carefully. Where he finds himself though, well that's hard to say when he wakes up chained to a bed in a featureless room with no windows, and a drain on the floor. At least his bandages are fresh.]

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[reanbeanmachine]

[It worries him, how badly Crow is shaking. He's worried he's doing things wrong. But letting go also doesn't appeal. And yet Crow sounds close to a panic attack.] Hey... What can I do?

[filetofish]

Just don't move.

[That may be counter-intuitive but it's what Crow wants.]

I'm fine.

[No he's not and he did say he wouldn't lie, but--]

I don't want you to stop.

[reanbeanmachine]

[Fortunately Rean can read context so he takes Fine as "not immediately flipping my shit" and not as "fine". Still, he's both happy and upset. He wants to be here holding Crow, he's upset at the circumstances that have Crow shaking like a leaf in his arms. He keeps hold of him though, petting him gently.] Okay. I'm not going anywhere.

[filetofish]

[Crow really wants a tighter hug. He wants more than hugs in some part of him he's really grossed out by right now, but he mostly just wants the hugs. The problem is he is sure he'd have to break it off if Rean held him any tighter, so he's just being internally fussy.

Why can't he just get over it? Why is being held so amazing and so horrible at the same time? He wants to cling to Rean until neither of them can breathe but he also wants to run away and lock himself in a closet forever. He's so tired.]

...This really hurts.

[Being touched, but also just existing feeling this way. Physically, emotionally, he wishes he could just switch off the lights and not feel anything at all.]

[reanbeanmachine]

[He can't really read Crow's mind but he gets Crow doesn't mean literally. Well, probably. He would hug Crow tighter if he weren't scared of panicking him, bu instead he contents himself with the petting, from Crow's hair down his back, slow and rhythmic. Like soothing a cat.] I'm not an expert or anything but it probably will suck for a while. But that's why I'm here. Why everyone is here. So if you need anything, or I can help, or you just want to complain, I'll be here.

[filetofish]

[He does sort of mean it literally. But he's not specifying, and the emotional part is worse. He could deal with physical pain if he didn't also feel like a horrible person who's afraid of his own shadow.

Rean's hand down his back is both soothing and awful. It kinda hurts. It kinda feels good in the wrong way. It's not the gesture that's soothing though, it's knowing Rean's trying to help that's soothing. It's having Rean here, and the rest of their friends closeby.]

Mm. I think I'm gonna sleep for a week.

[reanbeanmachine]

[He's trying. He has no experience with what to do in this situation but he wants to do everything he can for Crow. So he might make mistakes, like not knowing what's actually hurting, but he wants to be a good, helpful presence, at least.] Yeah. Can't blame you. I'll bring you food when you're hungry but if you want to just laze in bed for a week I think that's pretty understandable.

[filetofish]

I'm going to. Honestly...

[Haha honesty. He's bad at it but right now he's so exhausted and miserable faking it is too hard.]

I think the adrenaline is wearing off.

[How did he even walk here? The last few days he's had to be forced to stand, but he did it a lot today. He even fought, and yelled, and trashed a room. But now that he's home the immediate instinct to keep moving or die has faded and he feels like he got run over by a tank.]

[reanbeanmachine]

About time.

[It's been a long day, and for Crow, a longer month and a half. Rean gently pets his hair, still fighting the urge to hug him tighter.]

Want me to stay in here while you sleep?

[He's thinking pull up Crow's chair and read a book.]

[filetofish]

I'll be fine.

[He doesn't want to impose on Rean, for one, but for two he kinda wants to be alone just for a bit. Just long enough to cry without feeling exposed.]

I'll call you when I'm up.

[He's reluctantly disentangling himself. Very, very reluctantly.]

[reanbeanmachine]

Yeah, I'll be nearby. [No one watching, no cameras, actually alone for the first time in weeks, it'll be great, Crow. Rean is loosening his hold so Crow can pull out of his arms, but he has a hard time wanting to let go. Still, he gently lifts a hand and fluffs his hair, smiling in the best way he can right now.] Get some rest. I'm right across the way.

[filetofish]

...Thanks.

[He really, really means that. It's important to have time to himself, but it's also important that Rean is closeby. It feels safer, that way. He's less afraid of being hurt when Rean is in earshot.

He likes the hair fluffing, too, as embarrassing as it is. He's not going to pretend to be annoyed at this point, so instead he leans into it, like the semi-feral kitten Rean was just calling him.]

[reanbeanmachine]

[He turns the ruffle into a soft pet, smiling as reassuringly as possible.] Any time. Seriously, just yell if you need anything. [He doesn't want to go but also, he should let Crow sleep. So he gets up and heads out reluctantly, closing the door gently and then staring at in in protective agitation before he forces himself back to his own room. He leaves his door open though, so he doesn't miss a shout.]

[filetofish]

Will do.

[He's not going to do any shouting though. Today he's so incredibly exhausted that as soon as he's gotten comfortable he falls into a very deep sleep. He prooobably should be in the hospital, honestly -- he hadn't even been discharged when they took him -- but it'd only freak him out, so he's much happier to curl up here at home.

He's pretty much going to do nothing but sleep for a couple of days, actually. He gets up for necessaries like eating and using the bathroom but otherwise he's out. His energy reserves were beyond depleted. But on the fourth night he spends back home, he's well enough to dream. That means absolutely awful nightmares, his mind spitting out all the imagery of years of struggling and weeks of torture in twisted, terrifying ways.

He doesn't wake up screaming but only because even in the dream he's too petrified to make a sound. Instead he wakes up in a cold sweat, feeling chilly and empty and feeling the ghost of hands on his skin. He stays there for a few minutes, just trying to breathe, willing himself not to cry -- he's done crying. He's not a baby and he doesn't want to feel like one. But he can't banish the residual fear, and after some time trying and failing to go back to sleep he gets out of bed and goes across the hall.

He feels so childish. He should be able to deal with this alone. It's only his own feelings, after all -- it's only memories. But he doesn't want to be alone, so here he is knocking on Rean's door at 1am.]

[awakenerd]

[Rean's up the moment he senses Crow outside his door. He hasn't slept as deeply as Crow, worry keeping his slumber light, ready to react to any noise of threat or need from Crow's room. There hasn't been anything like that so far but still.

He opens his door in his loose pj pants and tshirt almost as soon as Crow finishes knocking.]

Hey. What's up?

[filetofish]

It's cold.

[A flimsy excuse but whatever. It's still technically winter and he can totally be cold. He still feels like (and looks like) a kid asking to get in his parents' bed because of monsters in the closet. He's visibly embarrassed but he brushes past Rean into his room as if he lives there, just because the rudeness makes him a little less self-conscious.

Rean's bed now has a shameless bird in it. He's not asking, he's just invading.]

[awakenerd]

[Okay well it's obviously not "cold" but Rean IS an older brother, he's probably been recipient of "the monsters under my bed/nightmares" bed invasions from Elise so he closes his door and walks back to the bed to sit down. This is fine.]

I guess it is.

[It's really not but Crow can have whatever excuse he wants.]

[filetofish]

[This is Crow's bed now. He's making himself comfortable -- with room for Rean, of course.]

Yeah. So come here.

[awakenerd]

[Okay. He'll come as close as Crow wants. It IS his own bed after all. So he's stretching out next to Crow.]

We wouldn't want you to freeze.

[filetofish]

Nope. Depriving the world of my handsome face is a tragedy Aidios would never forgive.

[Cuddling up to Rean, however, is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with being "cold". Of course cuddling brings its own host of issues but since Crow's initiating maybe he can deal with the reflexive terror.]

[awakenerd]

Right.

[It's gentle and indulgently amused but honestly he wants to hold his breath. He is holding very still, letting Crow nestle against him in whatever way he wants to, doing his best to be the most non-threatening warm pillow to cuddle that he can.]

Well let's try not to offend the Goddess then.

[filetofish]

Mm.

[Yeah this is definitely scary. But if it's Crow putting his arm over Rean, burying his face against Rean's shoulder, it's not so bad. It's frightening, but that's a thoughtless fear, and the real knowledge that Rean is safe outweighs it.]

...You don't have to be that careful.

[awakenerd]

Yeah?

[HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S OKAY. He takes a careful breath. He doesn't want to treat Crow like Crow's overly fragile, but yet he also doesn't want to do anything bad. The balance between giving Crow some normalcy and proving he has confidence in him and also being mindful seems tough to achieve. Not that he's not going to try.]

As long as you tell me if I do something wrong.

[So he's going to, carefully, slide his arm under Crow's head and gently place his hand on Crow's shoulder, holding him loosely.]

[filetofish]

I will.

[Crow is not up to fronting too hard at the moment. He shivers when Rean moves, but he adjusts to allow it, too. This is nice, actually, underneath the phantom pain just being in contact with another person brings.]

[awakenerd]

[He rubs his thumb lightly over Crow's arm, not really holding him tight even though he wants to. This is enough, Crow is warm against him, and solid and real and alive. And he hopes, eventually, this won't feel so fragile.]

Okay. You going to be able to sleep?