reanbeanmachine | This has spoilers for tocs 2 end game

No. There's no such thing as safe.

[He was already freaking out about being watched before he was arrested, but now it's so much worse. Crow knows it looks bad. He hates feeling crazy and scared and weak. But he can't help it. He wishes he could just die, but he's afraid to even do that when he knows he'll be replaced by a copy that might do something awful to Rean.

He's not pulling away, but his free hand has ceased to play with the blanket and is now hugging himself, fingernails clawing ruthlessly into his own arm. He feels like he's wrestling with a giant serpent coiled around him, but the only monster is his own fear.]

Crow. Crow hey.

[He's taking Crow's hand, standing up between his legs to pull Crow against his chest and holding him.]

I don't know what happened but I'm not letting anyone take you again. I swear.

[He needs that hug. He needs a lot of them, but on the other hand it's a restraint and he has the urge to scream and struggle. He doesn't, though. He just freezes up, tense and not returning it.

Why is he like this? He should be strong enough to take care of himself. No one should ever have to protect him, and he shouldn't just let anybody do things to him without his consent. And yet here he is, banging on the walls of his own mind, frustrated and scared and desperately wanting to be tucked away somewhere where nothing can hurt him anymore.]

Rean--

[Ah. There's something about saying Rean's name that causes reality to actually set in. Rean is here. Crow's not trapped right now, and if he calls Rean's name he'll be heard. That alone is a huge relief, and the wave of emotion slams into him with such force that it knocks the breath out of him.]

Rean... Rean.

[Repeating it kind of helps? It doesn't stop him from finally bursting into tears, though, and clinging as hard as he can.]

Fuck. I really missed you!

[He holds Crow tight, burying his face in Crow's hair and breathing deeply, shaking a little with emotion but remaining solid and warm and real and holding Crow just like this.]

I'm here. I'm here and I missed you so much. I'm [he inhales sharply.] sorry. I'm so sorry.

[He's choked up, holding Crow as close to him as he can without actually crushing him, and it doesn't seem close enough.]

It's not your fault.

[He's barely audible, he's pressing his face so hard against Rean's chest. It's kind of difficult to breathe but that's fine. He'll just sit here and slowly suffocate while crying.]

I'm the one who fucked up.

You didn't. You didn't okay? You're here and I'm here and... And I'm so glad you're here.

[He doesn't want to apologize again, even if Crow being like this is because he's powerless and didn't do enough.]

I'm not letting go until you tell me to.

I don't want you to let go.

[Like, ever. Even though being held is scary, he does feel at least a tiny bit safer in Rean's arms, so he can't imagine giving that up.

It is definitely his fuck-up, though. He doesn't want to argue with Rean, but he's been made aware in no uncertain terms by many different people over the last half a year that he's a bad person who's done unforgivable things and should be twenty-times dead by now. He can't not believe it anymore.]

...You promise you won't let me go back.

[Because he's defintely always being watched, but he also has enough faith in Rean that if he says he'll protect him, Crow will at least try to believe that it's okay to break the rules and open up.]

I promise. I swear I won't let anyone take you again.

[He means it. He's done with letting Crow get taken from his sight and then horribly, hideously traumatized outside of his control. He's really, really done with that.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Valimar acknowledges his readiness to fight even the police or military if they come for Crow, and it's comforting to know they're together on this. That he and Valimar, at least, have Crow's back.]

Okay.

[He does believe in Rean. Even if he can't convince himself it's safe, he can at least convince himself that Rean will do his best to make it be. That's as good as it's going to get, so he takes a deep breath and tries to gather himself enough to talk.]

...The chancellor is working with the group that makes archaisms, and gave weapons to the noble alliance and the ILF. That group can make artificial humans... Actually, I don't know the details, but that's where Millium & Altina came from. What they showed me is that they can use someone's remains to make a copy. It's the same person, but not. They can even control memories. They told me if I didn't cooperate, they'd kill me and recreate me.

[Of course a threat like that is frightening, but not enough to get the kind of meek compliance Crow's been showing lately. It certainly helped in the process, though.]

[He tries to keep his breathing even, does absolutely keep hold of Crow too tightly. He's not as surprised as he should be, probably, about the artificial humans. He's already kind of pieced together what Altina and Millium are, somehow. It doesn't make sense but there's also no other thing those two could be.

But the idea that a living person could be reconstructed, their memories changed and used on them like this, that's another level of horror on it.]

I won't let them touch you again.

Thank you.

[He is grateful. He's going to try to believe it, too. But right now he's still deeply unsettled and, while he's also totally exhausted, he doesn't want to move an inch.]

...I'm kind of tired...

Sleep in here.

[It's not entirely a request but it's not an order, either. He's not going to make Crow sleep in his bed but he can't imagine Crow sleeping anywhere else. Across the hall is too far.]

Okay.

[Maybe he's a little too agreeable. Last time he tried sleeping next to Rean it had mixed results, and that was ages ago. Buuut he's scared to be alone just as much as he wants to be alone, so he's not arguing.]

I should tell you... They know I'm here. I'm supposed to be back in Heimdall in two days.

...Why the hell do they need you back?

To fight.

[That whole public fealty swearing bullshit was more than just for show. Although Crow doesn't look in any condition for combat. He looks worn ragged, like he'd collapse with a strong gust of wind.]

No. No way.

[He won't allow it. He gently shoves Crow back like an inch so he can look at him.]

Even if you didn't look like complete hell.

[He doesn't look good at all. Definitely not like he spent his time in jail healing from the previous torture, that's for sure.]

That's the only reason I'm alive, you know.

Whatever they want you for, I'll take on. If that's not acceptable I'll fight them myself and get us both out of Erebonia.

[Well. Rean did say he wouldn't let Crow be taken back. Crow's not going to complain, since he honestly doesn't want to do the chancellor's dirty work anyway. He's just going to be super nervous about it, to put it mildly.]

...I don't think they'll let me take it easy. But I'd be a shit friend if I abandoned Ordine after everything, so either way we have to get him out of wherever they stashed him.

[He's spent four years now psychically connected to this robot. There's no hesitation in saying he's a friend Crow wants to do right by.]

I'll see what I can do.

[He's not set on fleeing the country yet. As long as he can keep Crow with him, in his sight, he has the leverage to get some of what he wants. He can always stash Crow in Valimar when he can't stay with him.

His father may be scarily powerful but Rean isn't without his own friends in high places, and Crow, defanged, with Rean a willing hostage and minion to keep him that way, can't be enough of a threat to Osborne, even with Ordine, to risk losing Rean and the faith of Rean's many, many friends.]

[Rean's right. He does likely have the leverage to keep Crow safe if he tries. He'd just have to take on all the jobs that Osborne thought he'd reject, or doesn't really want to send him on, that Crow's got better skills for. Unsavory, ugly, underhanded jobs. Crow doesn't want to see that happen.]

I don't know what your plan is, but... I don't want you to argue with him for me.

I'm not letting you go back there. So of course I'm going to argue with him for you, Crow. I've failed to keep you safe too many times already. This time I won't.

If it was work you're suited to, they wouldn't have put so much time and effort into reforming me.

[He reaches up to brush Rean's hair back, gentle, fingers trembling slightly (from nerves or physical strain he no longer knows).]

I don't want to go back, and I trust you to take care of that. But I'm not worth you getting hurt. You don't know what that kind of work will do you, Rean.

[He leans into the touch, placing a palm over Crow's hand.]

You're worth anything. Crow. Just let me worry about protecting you from now on, okay? I'm not weak.

[He's aware that there's a lot of underhanded things he could be asked to do that would.... Hurt him, a lot, probably, but if he has a reason, if he really can protect Crow, he'll do a lot of things for that. If it comes down to having to take Crow and Ordine and flee the country, he'll do that too, but it's the last resort.]

I'm not either.

[Is he? Maybe he is. He definitely feels weak, needing to be protected. He can't even deny he needs it, when he's shaking just at the idea of standing up on his own.]

Since when am I the kind of delicate person who needs you to sacrifice yourself protecting me?

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suddenly realising my time math was off and it should be like July at least oops

it's totally july

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