gross au

[reanbeanmachine]

[Once upon a time, perhaps, a man named Giliath Osborne had been a good man, a kind father, a loving husband, a good soldier. That was a long, long time ago, long forgotten. These days, there was merely the Blood and Iron Chancellor. A man hellbent on a goal, ready to use everything to achieve it.

Currently, the latest tool from his little workshop was standing in his office facing him with a familiar face, but an unfamiliarly blank expression.

"Siegried" was the name of the doll in front of him, a creature with uses. Already, standing in front of Osborne was plenty of proof that this boy was only a shell that resembled a person, an empty vessel whose memories were sealed away.

He ran his fingertips over the boy's cheek, watching for any reaction, any flinch or concealed disgust. Nothing. Obedience. Perfect.

There was more he could test for this, and if that proved successful, this doll could be useful in very many ways indeed. His fingers lifted a lock of white hair, let it slide over his knuckles as he pulled his hand away.]

Siegfried, I want you to kneel.

Comments

[filetofish]

[Right now the answer appears to be "groan uncomfortably while forcing ourselves to get out of the hay". But once he's up (with hay all stuck in his clothes and hair), he rubs his face a little and starts to think. His stomach is growling but he's trying to ignore it.]

Okay... Maybe if we head far enough north...

[They could... try to find Rean's family? Would that help?]

[awakenerd]

[Ymir at least would likely be... Better than here. Rean seems to have no opinions though, simply leaning forward to nuzzle Crow in almost affection? Maybe he's trying to be comforting.]

[filetofish]

[Rean gets pets like the good(?) dog he is. Crow meanwhile is staring off into the distance, trying to think about the right action to take without thinking about how spooked he is. He still can't afford to have a breakdown.

After a few moments he just starts walking. Fuck roads. They're dangerous. He's gonna make a bee line for the mountains. They will of course eventually have to steal to eat. But he leaves Rean tucked somewhere safe when he does it, for the sake of silence and his really messed up priorities. Sleep is generally under some bushes or something, Crow trying to leave as little trace of them as he can. But if it rains he'll make a lean-to.

It's gonna take a couple of weeks to get there, but on the upside Crow's not really getting worse anymore, physically. He's just not getting better. This kind of traveling is hard on the body, and he's pushing himself way too hard for a guy who's barely eating and is still giving blood every day (he insists). The question is: will Rean find himself before they find Ymir?]

[awakenerd]

[It's halfway to Ymir, while they're resting in an abandoned shack, over the course of one night while Crow's sleeping, that Rean... Finally comes back.

It's been happening gradually, honestly. Maybe he would have a while ago if the situation hadn't been so shitty in Heimdallr. But on the road, it's tough but it's not getting worse, and Rean can kill any monsters they encounter with ease, letting Crow get some rest so that, while Crow isn't really recovering, nothing gets... Worse.

And that's enough for the fight and survival and rage to start uncoiling day by day, so that while he watches Crow sleep, more of him returns, clawing out of the abyss of his own mind.

It might wake Crow up, when Rean lurches away from his side to stumble outside and throw up. Or try to. There's nothing in him but blood and he doesn't... Actually want to waste what Crow's sacrificed so he just ends up pressing a hand to his mouth to prevent it and wretching.]

[filetofish]

[He doesn't hear Rean get up but he does hear the door, the part of him that's always on guard keying in and snapping him awake. There's immediate fear when Rean isn't there staring at him. Rean's supposed to be there -- the only time he wasn't, it was awful. So he's up and looking for Rean in seconds, and when he hears the wretching he's... confused. But not as alarmed as he was, so instead of the door flying open it creaks slowly, Crow peeking out with dark circles under his eyes.]

...Rean?

[awakenerd]

[Rean's not entirely lucid yet. It's been over a month since he was himself and it's... Disorienting, to say the least. He has a broad sense of everything that's happened, everything they've been through, that Crow's been through, but he's still processing it when Crow appears, too soon, he's not ready for this.

He's not ready to remember most of what he remembers. But he'd at least like to figure i out before...But Crow's already here.

So he replies weakly, the first use of his voice for anything other than mindless animal noises since before he went insane, and the first time he's even tried to say words since he tried to say Crow's name that one time.]

Mm'fine.

[filetofish]

You're not-- Hey. Look at me.

[Rean's... talking? Sort of? Crow's not ready to hope too hard but... Actually he's feeling more apprehensive and that surprises him. It's that weird, unexpected, uncomfortable fear curling in his stomach that keeps him from actually approaching, to hold Rean like he otherwise would.

Internally he's telling himself he's an idiot. Why is he afraid that Rean might be himself? He doesn't know, but he is, and even if he wasn't he needs to see Rean's eyes.]

[awakenerd]

[Sort of. Sort of talking. He looks up though, partly just... He's used to doing what Crow's voice says, at this point. But he also doesn't feel like not looking at him. It's looking at Crow that's kept him alive and brought his sanity back in some form or other.

He hasn't even gotten to... Talk to Crow, and Crow remembers him, now that it's all piecing back together, and it's all so fucked up.

His eyes aren't demonic, though they're bright and red.]

[filetofish]

[Well there it is. Maybe not all the way but Rean's back, and Crow's not ready. It's like some kind of switch goes off in his head -- he goes pale, and suddenly lurches forward to grab Rean's arm and try to drag him inside.

Not that he's going with him. He's just... putting him away? Yeah. There's no way he can face Rean but he has to protect Rean so if someone's going to be outside it's going to be Crow.]

[awakenerd]

[He's not resisting mostly out of complete confusion. He's still figuring hos shit out and it's getting more upsetting by the second so it doesn't register that he's being... Crated???? Again??? until he's inside and Crow is outside and that's a bad fucking feeling.]

Crow--

[filetofish]

You look like you need a nap.

[He says way too quickly. There's not an actual lock on this door so he's just sitting down on the other side with his back to it while he loses his sad little bird mind.

He should be happy! He is happy. But he's spent the last many weeks suppressing a lot of emotions that are all suddenly boiling up. He knows Rean, the real Rean, won't let him pretend. He won't let him bury it, even as poorly as he has been. That's... threatening. So is the idea of watching Rean react to all the ways in which Crow failed to keep him safe, failed to keep him from doing things he'd regret.

Everything is Crow's fault and now he's going to have to answer for it, in watching Rean suffer and in having the lid torn off his own suffering. And he knows all too well that Rean won't even blame him, will just worry about him, and that'll hurt even worse than if he got mad and took it out on him.

So he's gonna sit out here and hyperventilate and maybe (definitely) cry.]

[awakenerd]

[Okay yeah he's. Freaking out but at least Crow freaking out more obviously gives him something to snap his focus onto immediately over the whole... Everything. That's happened. And the fact that he's some kind of blood-sucking vampire monster now, in fact, that's also a thing on top of rape, being a murderer, and watching Crow get fucked up for a month--all on top of losing Millium and failing Valimar and Class VII and it's a lot.

But Crow is here and remembers him and is fucked up and having a hard time and has done a lot and been through way worse protecting him for the last month so he shoves on the door.]

Let me out, Crow!

[filetofish]

No!

[Nope he can't handle it. He's curling up into a ball with his back pressed against the door and putting his hands over his ears. This way he can just pretend Rean's not talking. He's trying to keep quiet himself, but there's only so silent you can be while crying your eyes out and having trouble breathing. Crow's actually done quite well to keep from having this kind of panic attack up til now but he's still furious at himself for cracking.]

[awakenerd]

Crow!

[He bangs on the door but that's not going to let him out. So. Well this shack has windows, it's not an impenetrable basement, he's just going to go break one and climb out, trying to be careful of the glass but caring less about cuts than about getting to Crow.]

[filetofish]

[He can hear the window break. Part of him wants to get up and run and make sure Rean's not hurt, but he can't. He tries but his legs won't listen -- he's freaking out so badly that it's overriding any thought that could tell him to come out of this defensive ball. Knowing Rean's just going to be nice to him makes it worse, so rather than come running he just curls up even tighter, making tiny distressed noises and struggling to get any air at all.]

[awakenerd]

[That makes it easy for Rean to just drop down in front of him and grab his hands away from his head. Trying to make him look up.]

Crow!

[filetofish]

[He tries to resist but he doesn't have the strength. It's all to easy to pull his hands away, nothing like the strong and stubborn person that pushed Rean to his fighting limits.

He does look up, but that's because pulling on him presses a totally different button and he jolts, automatically looking for what the most primal part of him is telling him is impending abuse. Of course Rean's not going to hurt him and most of him knows that but he's scared and that's written all over his face.]

What?!

[He's trying to sound defiant but it's high-pitched and choked so it's not working at all.]

[awakenerd]

[Oh. Of course he'd be scared, Rean wasn't thinking. He doesn't let go now, though. Just kind of leans in until their foreheads are pressed together and Crow can't hide the tears.

It should be fine though right? Since Rean's starting to cry.

And he doesn't know what to say, now, actually. Well, maybe he does.]

I missed you so much, you asshole.

[filetofish]

[Crow still can't breathe. But now Rean's here and his hands are warm and despite how awful everything is that feels good. Seeing Rean cry, hearing his voice is making Crow cry harder too, but at least he's not trying to get away. He's just torn -- between this strangling fear of everything he's not let himself feel the last month and a half, the guilt, and the relief that his Rean is back.

It's all overwhelming and conflicting and he doesn't know what to do so he just sits there and sobs.]

I'm sorry...

[awakenerd]

[It's a lot. They've both been through a lot, and Crow's been trying to keep it together for both of them and Rean's been insane. It's not been a good time. So probably both of them crying a lot is. Fine. Rean settles on his knees, holding Crow's hands, turning it into just. Handholding now, while they cry at each other.]

You saved me.

[filetofish]

I didn't... protect you...

[Words are kinda hard to get out right now. But here's the root of the problem. Sure he got Rean out -- out of that dungeon, out of the city -- but if he'd been stronger Rean would never have been locked up in the first place. He wouldn't have gotten hurt so badly, and he wouldn't have had to kill to survive. And even when they ran, Crow still failed to protect Rean from the dangers facing them in hiding. He took on such a huge horrible burden and it did nothing. It was pointless. Just like everything he's done.]

[awakenerd]

[He laces his fingers with Crow's and closes his eyes. What a dumb guy he's so in love with.]

You idiot.

[filetofish]

[He's clinging to Rean's hands, breath shuddering as he tries to get it under control, to take a deep enough breath that he doesn't feel like he's about to faint.]

Uh-huh.

[Yep he's a huge idiot and everything is bad!! Except Rean. Rean's pretty great. Crow has to make sure Rean knows he feels that way, even if he's flipping out and hiding from him.]

I love you.

[awakenerd]

[Well okay he's crying harder but his eyes are open now.]

I love you too. So much. I'm really, really sorry that... I wasn't any help, this last month.

[If he'd been himself, Crow wouldn't have had to go through all that, they could have made it out of Heimdallr together ages ago.]

[filetofish]

'S not your fault.

[It's not like Rean asked for Millium to die. He didn't ask to have that power. He didn't ask to get hurt so badly. If Crow had just saved him right then-- If Crow had just remembered sooner--]